What I don't believe

A few days ago at work a woman handed me a small tract entitled "You can rely on Me! - A message from Jesus"

It is published by The Family International. I accepted it and was going to throw it away when I realized that this was an opportunity to better understand those that also confess to be Christian. I read the small pamphlet and I would like to share my thoughts on it with you.

The pamphlet proposes a 'Christianity' that is a personal way to ensure your own safety. According to them, if you trust in Jesus and pray to Jesus than no harm will come to you. This ultimate, almighty, all powerful creator of the universe relies on us. If we only trust him and pray than we will be ensured safety. "I also need you to pray because that activates My ability to keep you and My power to heal and to save." The realm where this Jesus lives is the place where miracles are possible. If we simply believe in Jesus and pray to him we are going to be safe in this life and in the next to come.

Obviously, this is not the Christianity that I believe. The glaring contradiction is that this all powerful God who so loves the world that He sent His only Son, would then withhold that power while He waits for us to pray to Him. Can you imagine a Father who had a dinner prepared for his son watching his son go hungry while he waited for his son to say "Can I please have some dinner, father?" Is that the God that sent Jesus? I hope not. (In fact, this might be biblical) I cannot believe in a God that is so unloving as to wait for us to pray so that this all powerful power can be released.

If God is perfect and powerful than who are we to be needed by this God. If God truly loves us (even though we are not perfect) than why would God withhold any good thing from us, simply because we did not ask in the correct way. This can lead to self blame and ignorance of the miracle of life that is around us all the time. If we are always waiting to be perfect so that we can finally receive that miracle that God is holding out on us than we miss Life. We are not Living - we are simply waiting. When we make God into this powerful being that doles out gifts and favors in the form of miracles we are limiting both ourselves and God.

God is so much more than an almighty being that gives miracles to the righteous - God is the source of love and power and goodness in this world. God is the ability for the mother of a murdered son to forgive the murderer. God is the beauty of the sea ebbing and flowing continuously. God is when people choose peace over war. God is in the good things that people bring here on Earth. God is when two children share on the playground. These small every day instances are the face of God. This is the God that I can and do worship.

My 6 word autobiography

A good friend of mine challenged me to write a 6 word autobiography. This is an exercise he does with his English students in Japan. Here is the one I just came up with. I'm not sure if this is an autobiography of my life or just of this moment. But, this is my 6 word autobiography. What's yours?


living doubted faith moving toward action

TWLI

The Way Life Is. TWLI is the abbreviation they used in the Profound Journey Dialog as shorthand for the way life is. Life is a series of desires and limits. We desire good but are limited by evil. Polar opposites. We say light is the opposite of dark. Yet, these polarities, or opposites are not life. Instead life is the tension, or the buzz between the two. A good example is a magnet - the north and south poles are opposites, but the magnetic attraction comes from the energy flowing between the two. We can see the opposites in the Christmas story. There is a pregnant virgin. There is a king afraid of a baby. There are Angels singing on an otherwise silent night. A baby, born in a stable, to poor unwed parents is said to be the savior of the world. These opposites are there to remind us of the pull, of the buzz between these opposites where Life is. They are representative our struggle with our desires and with the very real limits of life. Life is not lived in black and white - instead Life is lived in the grey, but Life is defined and shaped by the black and white lines. When we forget those lines we forget the sacred in Life and everything and anything and nothing becomes meaningful; but when we say only those lines are sacred we lose the pulse and love and meaning in everyday life. Our job, as religious people, is to remind each other of the child that is born inside us that is that buzz and pull and tension of Life. We are to remind each other of The Way Life Is.

Disclaimer: Most of this post was inspired by, or direct examples from, a sermon I heard today at Church. I want to give full credit to Jim Rigby at St. Andrew's Presbyterian in Austin, TX.

Thanksgiving

I know I'm a few days late - but I still wanted to post about gratitude.

I am grateful for so many things in my life right now.

I am grateful for my job, although I often complain about it, I am actually very grateful that I have one. Having a job, even if it is a job that I do not like much, gives me the freedom to search for a 'dream' job. I have the ability to be choosy.

I am also grateful for my friends here in Austin. I have managed to find a group of friends that I enjoy being with and that enjoy and support me for who I am. They do not tell me that I don't know how to dance or that I need to do something to be 'cool' enough to be their friends. In high school and in college I often had friends that would joke with me by putting me down. At the time, I thought it was fine, but I took many of those things inside and now I am learning how to have friends that encourage me. I am so grateful for these friends.

I am also grateful for my house and my housemates. I live with two lovely women. They are just wonderful and supportive. The owner of the house is pretty awesome too. This is an amazing living situation.

I am grateful for family. My family loves me so much and I love them. I love the fact that we are all adults. We treat each other as adults that we respect. It is an amazing way to relate to parents. My brothers are great too - it is nice to have one brother in town. We are all going to be together for Christmas! This will be the first Christmas in more than five years that we've all been together. I am so excited about that!

When I started this post I told myself I was not going to make a list of all the things I am grateful for, but then it sort of came out like that. I am so grateful and all of these things are true. So please excuse the cheesiness of this post.

Community

I have been searching for a Church that 'fits' me here; a community that I can belong to, if you will. I have gone to a few different Churches, from small Episcopal Churches to large Episcopal Churches to larger 'Community Churches' to small start up Churches where everyone looked just like me (i.e. under 30, white and struggling, but also somewhat affluent and wearing plastic-framed glasses). This past Sunday I went to St. Andrew's Presbyterian. Now, this is strange for me because I am definitely NOT Presbyterian. Not that I have anything against them, but I like the Anglican Communion and the liturgy and tradition that comes through that into the Episcopal Church. However, after my weekend retreat where I heard the pastor from St. Andrew's speak, I decided I needed to go there. Fittingly the sermon he preached was on Community.

In my search for radicalism in a Church I had not realised that I was also looking for a community that would support me in and encourage me in my radicalism. Hearing the pastor, openly and honestly, explain why Capitalism is opposed to Christianity made my heart leap for joy. I need a Church Community where I can live my life so differently that I can begin to question what society says is important so that I live the revolutionary life that Christ is leading me towards. Community is about choosing human rights over property rights and compassion over competition.

The sermon on Community was based on the famous Acts 2 passage that describes the Early Church. (I wrote a paper on this passage comparing it with Marxism for a class my sophomore year in college, but I can't seem to find it... if I do I'll post it or a link to it). The sermon was inspiring in that it recognized that this description is what we are 'aiming' for, but what we will probably never achieve. The pastor also recognized that we do need healthy boundaries, but need to give and be more in community than we think possible or think 'normal' in society.

I feel like I've finally found my Community here.

Is the Church still relevant?

Is the Church still relevant? That was a question raised (albeit briefly) at a conference I went to this weekend. The conference was organized by Barbara Wendland who writes this monthly newsletter. I went to a conference for Progressive Christians in Central Texas and, surprisingly, I wasn't alone. I live in the liberal bastion of Texas so I know that I'm not alone, but hearing the stories and being able to support those that live in small towns and go to conservative Churches was reassuring.

But, the question was still raised - is the Church relevant? At this conference of about 150 people I was one of 4 under 40. Most were over 60. I want to be clear that I do not believe that only people under 40 have the answers, but I do believe that intergenerational dialogue is important for the continuation of any type of organization. If in 20 years most of the people in that room are going to be dead or in nursing homes than the question has to addressed. One of the main speakers brought up the obvious point that almost everyone was 60+ and that almost everyone was white. (Did you know that there were liberal WASP's in Texas? But that is not an issue I can address because I am white). He said that we need to address this need; but the real question is how? The evangelical and fundamentalist churches are doing something right in this regard. They routinely have thousands of people in their 20's and 30's at their services. What can we learn from them? What are they doing that works? Another young person (38 - but in that crowd that IS young!) thought that there were no young people at this meeting because Faith, progressive or fundamentalist, is not relevant to the lives that young people are living. If they grow up in a mainline Church they see it as irrelevant and convert to Atheism; if they grow up in a fundamentalist Church they run away to Atheism as a reaction to the limited life they were subjected to in the name of god. Either way, most people my age end up Atheist.

Yet, I think that that answer discounts the reason that I go to Church and that most young people I know go to Church - faith and a desire for something more and something meaningful in the here and now. Another one of the speakers said that he thought that young people were drawn to Churches (or institutions) that take a stand. I think he's right. I think that the current Progressive Christian movement is so worried about opposing the Fundamentalist Christian movement that they forget to stand for something concrete. We (I am very much guilty of this) are so worried about being inclusive that we never say what we actually believe, that might offend someone. Everything is accepted. Although I do wholeheartedly believe that last sentence - everything is accepted by God - I also believe that there is a Right and a Wrong and that we have to stand up for it. We have to be able to call out what is wrong, in the name of Love. An example given at this conference was of two sons fighting. A parent would never let that continue. Out of love, for both children, that parent would stop the fight. Both children are hurt because of that conflict - the one that is physically hurt - but also the one that has caused the pain is emotionally hurt. Calling that act wrong and stopping it is not judgmental or hateful but is the only loving thing to do.

In fictitious examples it is always easy to spot the right and the wrong, but I am not sure how to do that in real life as it moves before me - but I know that I am at a place to start because the Church is still attempting to answer this question. The Church that does that is still relevant. A church that does not help to identify and call out injustice in this world is irrelevant and should be on it's deathbed because that church is not part of the people of God, although the individuals are very much God's people.

Atheism V. Religion

On Saturday night I went to a party at a friend of a friend's house. At about 2:30 AM I got into a very civil (yet heated) discussion about Atheism with said friend of friend. I had never met this guy before, and maybe never will again, yet we had a very intense discussion about Religion and why he thinks it's a bad thing. I'll admit I had had a few beers by this point, but I still think that our discussion was meaningful to both of us.

I believe that Faith is a gift of God. Therefore, I can't really hold it against anyone if they're Atheist. Either they haven't opened the package God's given them, or maybe God hasn't delivered it yet - either way the question of Faith doesn't necessarily reflect on the person's level of belief. I did tell this young gentlemen to pray for Faith. Although he said he had never prayed in his entire life.

On Sunday night I went to Church with my roommate here. We have very different backgrounds. She grew up going to a large Southern Baptist Church in a Dallas suburb; I grew up going to small Episcopal Church in Baton Rouge. Although I would say my parents' theology has shaped me more than the Episcopal Church's Theology. However, this Sunday the Church we went to was held in the Gym of Austin High. There was a line of traffic to simply get into the parking lot. For me a 'large' church has a few hundred people in attendance. This Church probably had close to a 1,000. However, my roommate liked this Church because it is 'small'. Again, very different backgrounds.

I have been thinking about these two very different experiences this weekend. I honestly think that I have more in common, more shared 'values' with that Atheist than I do with most of the other 'Christians' at the Church I attended.

I feel hypocritical when I go to Church because I see that I am not living my life as a little Christ and that 'Church', often, is not encouraging that kind of life. When did Christ become a personal savior and not the savior of the entire world? If everyone on this planet was an evangelical Christian the 'world' would NOT be saved! Jesus came to create something new, something completely different, something so drastically revolutionary that we cannot even begin to think it is possible. When we start to live that, somewhat unknown, life we become little Christs - we become Christian. I have not been doing this lately and I see Churches, especially the Church I went to on Sunday, are so focused on Christ saving each and every individual person that they forget that Christ came to save the entire world.

My grandmother recently said to me: "How stupid is it to believe that God created people just so that He could save them." I know that I believe in God that is bigger than that.

Boredom

The boredom that comes with not feeling quite at home, but also feeling right at home has set in.

I am staying in tonight simply because I feel like it. I could go out and hang out with friends, but I am staying at home watching TV (on the Internet) simply because it feels good. I am being lazy, but I like it.

The only thing I did today was volunteer. I have missed 7 weeks of volunteering! It was just as if I'd never left. I remembered how to do everything and some of the women remember me. I am happy I am back volunteering. I am reminded of how much the women living on the streets need. We all need something, but these women have their needs bared before us, the service providers. It is refreshing to see people so honestly needy and honestly asking.

I was preparing the devotional last night and one of the ideas that has stuck with me is that if we start taking God for granted we stop experiencing God's love. God needs to be a surprise for us, someone (something) that we rely on but that we never, ever begin to take for granted. I know that I have been doing that very thing. As soon as we take God for granted we no longer think we need God's grace. (I also think there are serious issues with taking people for granted... but perhaps that is a topic for another day).

I am spending the night at home trying not to take God or God's grace for granted.

Back in the USA

As I write this my cat, Tuba, is sitting on my lap. I couldn't be happier.

Coming back from a trip abroad is always a bit strange. Language is one of the biggest differences. Everyone speaks English and you don't have to think about what to say in simple interactions. "Excuse me" is just "excuse me". You know that the grocery checker can speak your language. There won't be any surprises there. Another difference is money. I know money here; I know where it says how much the bill is worth, I know what a dime looks like instinctively; I am used to the green that is in my wallet. In my five weeks in Guatemala I never got settled with the money. I still had to look at the bills and the coins before handing them over for whatever I had bought. (assuming I understood how much money they needed). Yet today, I was looking at a handful of quarters and they looked too small. Most of the coins in Guatemala are larger and thicker. Quarters seem so tiny in comparison. Yet, even if they look strange for a moment I still know what they are and what they are worth.

I started my new job today. As expected all of the kitchen staff speaks Spanish. I will get to use some of my newly acquired language. In my new Greek restaurant I had 'tacos' served by Mexicans today. Multiculturalism at it's best.

I am happy to be back, even if I am still adjusting to being a US citizen in the US again. (I am NOT solely American, as I was told many times in Guatemala. ALL the people from North, Central and South America are Americans. People from the US are US citizens, in addition to being American. Guatemalans are American too, as are Canadians and Chileans and Brazilians, etc,etc.)

a weekend spent on chicken buses

This weekend was spent traveling!

On Saturday I was determined to go to the beach. The fact that no one wanted to go with me and that my guidebook said the beach was not that great were no deterents! I was going to the beach. On Friday night I talked with my hostmother about my plans. She told me that the closest beach was only one hour away. She also suggested that my host sister and her friend go with me. Which she readily accepted. Great - I was going to the beach with two Guatemaltecas and it was only an hour away. Then Saturday came around. It turned out that neither of the girls could go and that the beach was really 2 1/2 to 3 hours away! I was still determined. I finally got on the bus about 11 am. (Remember these are old US school buses, but they insist on three people to a seat). On the second bus I was squished between an old lady and a woman with her baby in her arms. I was in the aisle near the front as people were still boarding. I tried not to elbow either the old lady or the baby. More standing and trying, unsuccessfully, to make myself guatemala sized. Then I got a tap on the shoulder "¿Do you want a seat back here?" Obviously I went with the man. This man and his wife were nice enough to give me a seat (of course all three of us were sharing one bench - but at least I was in the middle!). They had lived in Los Angeles for 18 years, so of course they spoke English. They saw a Gringa Americana as a good opportunity to practice English. My eyes teared up because they were so kind to me. I finally arrived in Champerico - a small industrial town on the beach that has black sand. Yes, beaches here in Guatemala have black sand due to the volcanoes here. I had finally arrived and found the beach. I went to the restaruant my friends from the bus recommended and I had some delicious, but over-priced, shrimp. I went and played in the water for fifteen minutes then headed back to the bus terminal. I had to be back home before dark, which is usually 6ish here. Somehow the busride back took even longer than the one there! I watched the sky darken from the bus window knowing that I was doing all the things I had been told not to do in Guatemala. I was on a Chicken bus after dark by myself. I finally arrived at about 7 pm. I decided to take a taxi, just for safety's sake. When I walked in the door to my house I felt so relieved. Yet, I had accomplished my goal. I had gone to the beach.

Sunday I went to some ruins pre-hispanic rule. They had both Olmec and Mayan relics! However, that is for another day's story....

a lazy day and planning to go back!

I am really getting close to the time when I have to say Adios to this country... at least for a while.

I have made a good friend from the Church here. She and her fiance volunteer at a children's shelter and I might go with them this weekend. That would definitely be interesting....

I will post if I do.

I am also going to go to the beach on Saturday and go see some ruins on Sunday. So lots of things going one... but today has been lazy :)

I spent the morning watching a telenovela and then having a very long breakfast with the said friend from Church. It was so nice and relaxing. In the afternoon I made Pupusas with my host family and just hung out. (I actually know how to do this, so people can expect a Pupusa party in Austin and perhaps some at Thanksgiving or Christmas!) It is so nice to feel like I'm part of a family (even if I don't actually talk to them much). My family here is huge and I think they all live on the same street. I have my two 'parents' plus their youngest daughter. They also have two grown children who are married and have kids. But the sister of my 'mother' also lives near with her children, who are in their teens or twenties. A nephew or grandkid is always at the house. Plus last night a friend of the teenage daughter moved in because she is going to be taking summer school. So now there are two of us renting a room. I really love having family around... even if it's not 'my' family. I like just spending time with them and relaxing.

Tomorrow I'm going to a beach with black sand! exciting.....

just over half way through

I am just over half way through my time here. I counted today and I have twelve days left in this amazing country. It seems amazing that I have so little time left and that I have already been here three full weeks. I feel like I have a pattern to my life here, but I also feel like I just arrived.

I think going out of town this past weekend helped me feel more at 'home' here in Xela. I am planning another trip for this weekend. We'll see where I end up. I enjoy traveling for weekends, it's a realistic amount of time for me.

Yesterday and today were good days in my Spanish classes. So far the highlights have been eating a home made tamale, going to the Bake Shop*, and meeting a grand neice of my teacher. It is all very interesting. I'm looking forward to learning how to make chicken tacos and playing Scrabble (en español por supuesto).

I am also going to bake for my host family. I am going to make one of my quiches for them next week. Looking forward to that too!

*The bake shop is a small bakery run my menonites here in Guatemala that has donuts and cheese and yogurt and all sorts of baked goods but it is only open on Tuesdays and Fridays!

not a traveler

I've never really considered myself a traveler. That may sound weird, considering how many places I've been. But I've always moved to a foreign place and then traveled a bit from that place. Right now I live in Xela I'm certainly not a permanent resident but I have a routine. I'm learning my way around, I'm learning which places make the best coffee, I'm learning which places are 'tranquilo', I'm learning how much a taxi should cost from one place to another, and of course I'm learning Spanish.

This weekend I took on the role of traveler. I put some essentials in my backpack and with other couchsurfers got on a chicken bus headed to San Pedro La Laguna. San Pedro is a picturesque town on Lago de Atitlan. Lago de Atitlan is a huge lake surrounded by volcanoes. (Pictures are coming soon to Facebook, I promise).

Here I'm a traveler. The only purpose of our weekend is to enjoy the lake and be 'tranquilo'. I want do all the touristy things. I want to say in hostel with other foreigners and have the travel experience. I'm even writing postcards this weekend because I feel like I'm actually traveling.

I wrote the above portion yesterday but didn't go online to write it up here. So now I'm 'home' in Xela at my internet cafe with my friends from School. I'm just hanging out doing what I do feeling like I'm ready for the routine to start again tomorrow. Tomorrow is just another Monday here in Xela with Spanish classes at 8. I'm back to my 'real' life. I prefer this form of travel to the travel that takes you so many places so quickly.

problem solved!

When I decided to leave my school I thought that I could continue to stay with my host family. This, however, is not the case. I found that out yesterday at lunch. My host mom, who has been nothing but wonderful informed me of this fact.

Therefore I was searching for somewhere to move into by Sunday. However, at dinner, my host mom, said that she had a friend who lives just next door that sometimes rents rooms to students. So after we finished eating we went and talked with him. He is probably about my parents' age and seems very nice. So, I will have a room all to myself (with a brand new bed) a kitchen, that I can use, plus my own bathroom. Basically, I'll have the bottom floor of the house for me and they live on the top floor. Plus they will give me three meals a day! All of that for about USD 7.50/day. Incredible!

I am very excited that I solved my problem. I am moving early Monday morning and I am beginning my new lessons Monday morning.

On a side note, we went Salsa dancing last night. So much fun!

sunshine and thinking about money...

I worry and worry and worry and yet things always work themselves out. I really need to learn not to worry so much, but just trust that if I am doing what I need to be doing that things will come together. Clearly, this whole trip to Xela has been exactly where I need to be right now.

As many of you may know I came down here with very little money. In fact, if I spent very wisely I would probably still run out. It seemed like things were going to be very tight for me, until Sunday.

On Sunday I went to Church at the Episcopal Church here in Xela (yeah - who knew, right?) After, I went to lunch at Wendy's (yeah - who knew, right?) (also on a side note, I did not actually eat anything if that makes it better somehow). As I was talking to the others there they mentioned that they all took Spanish classes from a woman named Letty. She also offers private lessons, like the ones I am taking in school. I was given her number.

I thought about it. It makes so much sense. I will spend about half as much on my Spanish classes and accomadation, if I pay for it myself. So I spoke with my host mom - she said I could continue to stay there. I finally called Letty (I got up the courage because I had been warned that she didn't speak any English). We spoke for about three minutes and agreed to meet Saturday and that I will start full time classes on Monday!

I am so excited about this. Hopefully this will enable me to enjoy my time here more fully and maybe even travel.... More stories and pictures soon.

Also all this week the sun has been shining! It has been such a nice change from the rain of last week. It is cold, though.

A Saturday Adventure

My Saturday adventure started Friday when I was invted to join a trip to a Sauna "Las Cumbres" on Saturday.

We met at 10 am on Saturday morning outside the school. After waiting less than ten miutes the four of us were off.

First, we had to find the Shell Station where we could catch a chicken bus to Zunil. (A chicken bus is the most common form of public transportation in Guatemala. They are mostly old school buses from the US, usually with each seat crammed with at least three Guatemalan adults, plus maybe some chickens). After asking directions three times we found the corner, which was a block from the Shell stationl. There are no signs, of course. Guatemalans just seem to know where to stand or maybe anywhere is a good place. Luckily, the bus we picked had some open benches. The four us slid into two.

In Zunil we had to take a pickup to Las Cumbres. (Where Chicken Buses don't go - pickup trucks do. You simply hail one going your direction and climb in the back). Once again, since there were no signs we asked a police officer where we could get a pickup to Las Cumbres. He said to just wait. The second truck that passed was the right one. We boarded the back ofthe truck, standing with all the Guatemalan women - all of us gringos with our heads sticking a good foot higher in the air.

The truck stopped for us at Las Cumbres. We had succesfully arrived.

Entering the grungy buiding, I was suprised to see what looked like a five star hotel (okay maybe three stars by US standards) in a jungle setting. The plants were so green with the natural volcanic steam creating a tropical feeling.

We were shown to our private steam room. I had never been to a sauna before, so I didn't know what to expect. The room had wooden benches and a small concrete "chimney" on the ground where the steam came out. Once we had changed into our bathing suits we all piled into this room. The attendants were to come back in half an hour to get the others for their massages (I had opted out of this). We had half an hour to relax and enjoy the steamy heat.

The steam and heat and sweat mixed together in an intoxicating way. Every few minutes I had to leave the steam room, just to keep a sense of normalcy. The half hour felt like an eternity. When the knock finally came, I was left alone in the steam.

I stayed for a few more minutes, pondering my good foturne to be alive and in Guatemala. Finally, I finished and took a cold shower.

After meeting the others, we went to try and a find a pickup back to Zunil to get lunch and then a chicken bus back to Xela. The first pickup did not stop. The back was already so full that there was no room for giant gringos.

The second one stopped. We got in, never saying a word to the driver. In the back were five children. Plenty of room for us to sit, under the blue tarp. Luckily, we were on this pickup because shortly it began to pour. As we listened to and felt the rain we realized that we didn't know to make the bus stop. (On the earlier ride the nice police officer had told the driver where to stop for us). We decided to ask the children: ¿De donde? The answer was surprising. Xela. Our plans changed. We decided to take this pickup, in the rain, all the way back to our temporary home. My Saturday adventure came to end when I finally got "home".

letter to friends and family

I just finished my first week of classes. I have crammed a lot into a small amount of time. My 'maestro' is pretty good and I am going to stay with him next week. I definitely do not know how to say much in Spanish, but I my comprehension is good - when people speak VERY slowly :)

My family is nice and now I am the only international student there. Both Canadians have left. Although they are still in Guatemala.

This week, I think the highlight has been the activities that I attended after school. On Tuesday I went to a house for women who experienced domestic violence. It is the only women's shelter in the country (and maybe central america). It was fascinating to see the women who volunteer there (one of the teachers in my school) and the women and children that live there. They live in very basic situations, with almost no amenities. They didn't have hot water until recently when a foreign student decided to raise the money for a hot water heater for their shower! On Wednesday I went on a tour (in a little tourist tram) of the city here. We were supposed to go up to Baul except we couldn't because of the rain (more about that later). It was interesting to hear all the history of this town (and for a short while capital of an independent country). Then on Thursday I participated in a salsa class. That was fun, if a bit out of my comfort zone.

I'm hanging out mostly with the other students in my school. They are from the US and Canada, and one girl from Hong Kong.

And for the rain. It has been raining here non-stop. (except for yesterday morning, when I went on the terrace to study and got a sun burn). All day, every day, nothing but rain, rain, rain. There has been more rain in September than there was in all of 2009 (I think that's what the newspaper said). There are mudslides everywhere and travel is difficult because roads are flooded out and the ones that are passable are dangerous and overcrowded. The school had planned a trip to the beach this weekend, but they cancelled it and are advising us to stay in Xela. Today, so far, it hasn't rained, but I think it's starting. So I'm going to see if I can buy an umbrella somewhere... that's my mission for the afternoon.

I'm doing well here and I am beginning to acclimatize to the culture and the noise. Walking down the street is always an adventure, you have to watch for dogs and cars and scooters and while there are sidewalks on most streets they are not much wider than a person, and often they are blocked and broken. I am also sleeping a lot. 9 hours a night, with a nap during the day. I think there are a few reasons - the altitude and stress of learning Spanish. It's good for me :)


I'm definitely enjoying it here and I am glad I am learning Spanish here.

A New Way of Thinking

Learning a new language is not jsut a learning how to speak again, it's learning a new way of thinking.

For example, look at these two sentences in English.

I am a doctor.
I am in the kitchen.

The conjugated form of "to be" in both those sentences is the same. In Spanish look at these same sentences

Soy doctora.
Estoy en la cocina.

In Spanish these two sentences use two completely different verbs. The verb "ser" is generally more permanent, your nationality, your occupation etc - but yet you do NOT use it when describing your marital status. Apparently, that's not permanent.

Is there a difference for me, as a native English speaker, between "being" in Guatemala and "being" a student? No. Yet fro a native Spanish speaker their "being" would be different.

Another difference that makes me think is "being" hungry, or thirsty, or cold or hot. In Spanish (and French) you are not hungry. You have hunger. The noun belongs to you - there is not adjective.

Does my description of hunger change the way I think about it? I'm here in Guatemala not just to learn the correct conjugations of ser and estar but also to learn to think in a different way, to begin to empathize and understand a new place through their language.

quick update about my arrival and first impressions

I made it safely to Guatemala. I am living with a host family. They have two kids, an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. (there could be a third, but I haven´t met him yet and I´m not really clear with
what´s been told to me).
I arrived in Guatemala city at about 7 am this morning. I had absolutely no problems going through customs and getting money. In fact, I actually made it to the bus station in time for the 8 o´clock bus (I had been planning on taking the 10:30 one). I rode that for about four hours, then figured out how to call the number of my school and they picked me up about 15 minutes later to take me to my host family.

The host family has been really nice so far. They made an interesting lunch with a fried cake of yuca root.

It is pretty cold and rainy here. It has been raining and chilly since I arrived. I think I´ll have to buy another sweater, at least. I don´t think this is normal because everyone is mentioning how cold it is.

Also, I realize how much Spanish I understand but I have a very hard time even constructing basic sentences. So we´ll see. The daughter, Diana sat with me before lunch and was very patient with me. It is necessary. There are also two Canadian girls staying in the house with me. One of them is leaving tomorrow and then I´ll move into the room she has, which apparently is bigger and more comfortable. Although, after a five hour nap this afternoon, I feel pretty
comfortable in the small room.

So I´ve made it safely and I am so glad I´m here! There is nothing like looking at a new country for the first time. I´ll never be able to see Guatemala for the first time again. It´s an exhilerating feeling!

What we know about food.

I recently read this article on NPR.com The article is about the FDA and their pending approval of salmon that has been genetically engineered to grow faster than regular salmon. The quote that struck me was when a supporter of this company said, “People eat chicken. It’s all farmed. People don’t think twice about it. A switch of the mindset has to happen for the consumer for seafood, for fish.”

I actually agree with this man, but I think the switch of mindset needs to be more complete. We need to start thinking twice about where our food comes from. The recent salmonella outbreak in eggs is just one example, but there are countless others. According to this site, Salmonella kills 583 people in the US every year and costs us $3 billion a year. Yet, we are still trying to produce the cheapest meat and vegetables possible instead of looking at the total cost, including the cost to health.

I recently started growing a garden in my back yard. I hope that I will be able to harvest some vegetables out of it this year and start to eat my own produce. We need to think about where our food comes from and not just eat whatever is put in front of us.

I do need to make a disclaimer here. Although I write this and feel this, I have not yet had the gumption to put it into practice. I still eat all meats and vegetables. Perhaps I will change my ways, but I find other factors, besides farming practices, influence my decision about what to eat and where. However, I think that I should have the right to decide.

One more point about the genetically modified Salmon. If the FDA does approve it, they will approve it without any caveat that it must be labeled as genetically modified. In essence the FDA will be taking away our right to choose whether or not we eat this farmed fish that has modified genes. Even if I have not interest in changing my eating habits I still should have the right to know what I'm eating.

tired and feeling strange

I am tired - mainly because I didn't sleep much last night - but I am also feeling strange.

Whenever a big trip is coming up a small pit of excitement/anxiety/nervousness/unknowingness/uncertainty wells up in my stomach and sits there growing bigger every moment as I get closer to the day of departure. This time I feel like that small ball is making it hard for me to focus on my friends and family here in Austin. I'm living, breathing, thinking, and smelling Guatemala.

My anticipation for Guatemala makes me think of that phrase "Hurry up and wait." That is what I'm doing right now. I'm hurtling towards my 'departure day' at a million miles a minute, but I'm not leaving for Guatemala. I'm leaving for Chicago. It feels like a false start - like I'm misleading myself. I am amped up and excited and looking forward to my trip which starts Monday, but it doesn't really start Monday. (Well it does, just not THIS Monday). I am hurrying towards this date so that I can wait another week in a different city.

However, I am also looking forward to my conference in Chicago. I am glad that I made the decision to stay in the US for this meeting. I know that the PJD can be powerful and I'm glad that I'll be able to shape it's future forms all over the world.

I am glad that my trip is beginning with this weekend of reflection about the future. I know that although I am going to Guatemala to learn Spanish I am also going so that I can begin to think more about my future. I want to reflect on where my life has been and where I would like it to go. Starting with an intentional reflection with others of similar values/beliefs is a good way to begin my journey south.

The small pit in my stomach is growing ever so slightly even as I write this very post. I hope that I will be able to contain it until I land in just over a week in Guatemala City!

Planning and Packing

I am not really a planner, I'm much more of a spur of the moment kind of person. It is actually hard for me to focus and plan this trip for more than two weeks. Once I decide to do something I want to do it. My trip seems spontaneous, but that is the only way I do things.

Just after I started looking at new jobs I also started looking at flights. Somehow the massive amount of time I have now and the small amount of money made me think that perhaps I had a way to travel. (Traveling is like a drug - once you've gone to a foreign country you need to go again and again. I need to get my fix. Honestly, this fix is going to be different than anything I've ever done before.) I looked at some programs in 'safe' and 'easy' places that I had already been, like France and Spain or Switzerland but the pull of something new and different (and practical) brought me to Xela. Xela (the nickname for Quetzaltenango) is the second largest city in Guatemala with about 300,000 people. It is also not touristy, except for Spanish language classes. I should actually learn a lot of Spanish while I'm there! From the day the idea was born in my brain to the day I bought my ticket was 8 days. Eight days to decide that I am ready to change my life, again.

I have been planning, but I have not yet begun packing. Packing is something that I like to do at the last minute. I enjoy that rush not knowing if you'll fit everything in or not and then making it (almost all the time!) and then finding out that you didn't bring the plugs you needed but you did bring that really unnecessary green sweater. I like that thrill.

Change comes with no warning...

Exactly two weeks ago I found out that my car was going to cost more to repair than I paid for it. (It was my first car too!). I was struggling with the decision to buy another car, when due to my income I didn't really have the money to afford a car. (Luckily, my friend lent me his car for two weeks)

Exactly 10 days ago I found out that my cafe where I worked was closing. I have just now come to accept the fact that it has actually closed and that I am unemployed.

Exactly 1 week ago, on what was supposed to be my last shift at work, I got food poisoning.

Needless to say I had a pretty bad week. However, I am grateful for this opportunity for change. I called one of my good friends yesterday to tell her all of this news and then I asked her if she knew what I was going to do now. I think her response shows how well she knows me. She said "You're going to go somewhere awesome and do something amazing, even though you have no money, but you'll make it work."

I am letting my lack of a job and a car give me the freedom to travel. I have said (for many years now) that I want to learn Spanish. I have tried CD's. I have tried informal classes with friends here. I have talked about learning Spanish - but I have not committed. I know that the only way to learn is to immerse myself in the language. That is just what I am going to do.

A friend of mine recommended that I go to Guatemala. I have a found a school that offers one-on-one instruction and a home stay for a very reasonable price. So, once I have my subleasing arranged for my house here I'll be booking airplane tickets and reserving a place in my school.

I am making positive change in my life. I'm actually glad that I lost my job. Although I am not looking forward to my job search when I return, I was not happy with my job before. I now have an excuse and a push to find a job that will be more fulfilling for me and will hopefully be more of a 'career' job.

Do you believe in Miracles?

I often forget that I'm Christian. I am not very good at going to Church and praying seems difficult and pointless. I confess that I often think that I like the people who don't go to Church very often a lot more than the people that are there every Sunday. Sometimes I forget and maybe even sometimes I wish I weren't. Then I have days like the past few days and I am so grateful for what God is doing in my life. Even if I've been forgetting God, God is not forgetting me.

I often forget that I actually believe in miracles. Here's my 'miracle' story. As some of you may know I recently bought a car. Although I was very excited about buying it - I have had nothing but trouble with it. (Titling it; repairs to AC; back seat door handles and the list could go on). However, it was working enough to take me to and from work. Which is all I really need (want) out of a car. Sunday, my car began making funny noises, but was still driving relatively well. Monday night it made a very funny noise and stopped driving so well. I decided to have it towed to my mechanic to see what it would cost for him to fix it. Tuesday afternoon I got a phone call saying that the transmission was broken. I don't know much about cars but he said the repair cost would have a comma in it. Basically it would cost more than I paid for the car. It's Wednesday now and I was in a jam because I need a car to go back and forth to work. Since I begin working before the sun rises taking a bus is not really an option and I know my roommates would get tired very quickly of bringing to/from work. Luckily, Wednesday is my day off.

This morning while I was out watering my garden (which deserves a post of it's own in due time) I prayed. I prayed for a car. I really just needed a car. I can buy a car - I've actually been approved for a loan - but that does not get me a car today. Hopefully, if I think about what I'm doing carefully it will take a few weeks to buy my next car. But I still needed a car to go to work Thursday morning.

My brother took me out for lunch today and he offered to let me use his car for the next few days. He and his wife have a second car, so that seemed like a doable solution. I was very grateful for this offer!

Then I received a text message from a friend asking me to do him a favor. The favor was to keep his car for 3 weeks while he goes to Burning Man. He apparently has no where to park it. I can use it while he's gone. I have a car to use - I will in a few hours at least.

Can you fault prayers like this when you just put out into the universe what you need and it materializes? Although I still have to buy a new car I now have a way of getting around for a few weeks. I have much less pressure and the ability to be picky about what kind of car I buy.

I forget that I believe in miracles or prayer and then days like today happen. Some people would just say it was a coincidence - but I don't really believe in coincidences. I need days like today to remember that I'm not providing for myself - God is. That's what miracles are - little reminders of who is really supporting us.

Thinking about rest/sabbath

I've been feeling very busy recently (hence the lack of posts for a few weeks). I've finally found some time to rest yesterday and today. I have to say it feels good.

This morning I chose to ride the bus to volunteer. I've been trying to do this now for a while, and I really enjoy it when I can make myself get up early enough. When I take the bus I have to leave my house about 30 minutes earlier than when I drive. Riding the bus gives me some time to think and reflect and plan the devotional.

This morning for the devotional I read a poem from Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle by Ted Loder. The poem I read was about being so busy with life that we forget what we need God for and what to say to God and even maybe how to talk to God. It's really moving. You can read the full text here.

I have been struggling with being too busy and not setting aside time for God. I was looking this morning at the Ten Commandments. I found them in Exodus 20:3-17. What I found the most striking is that most of the commandments are few words. Do not kill. Do not covet. etc. They are also almost all negative - DO NOT do this or that. However, the fourth commandment is a responsibility and is also the longest. The fourth commandment says:

Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour ad do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath for Yahweh you God. You shall do no work that day, neither you nor your son nor your daughter nor your servants, men or women, nor your animals nor the alien living with you. For in six days Yahweh made the heavens, earth and sea all that these contain, but on the seventh day he rested; that is why Yahweh has blessed the Sabbath day and made it sacred. (New Jerusalem Translation)

This one commandment is very long and very detailed. God is making sure that we know exactly what God means when God says "remember the Sabbath" I am struck at how easy it is to forget God and get lost in our daily lives - in our routines or lack thereof or our jobs or not having one. It is so easy to forget to ask God or even forget how to talk to God.

I ended the devotional this morning by having a 'neighbor' lead us all in the Lord's Prayer.

I'm hoping that I can also learn and listen and become less busy - even if I am still doing just as much. I need to set aside time for God and prayer.

What is it I want to do with my life?

Since I recently decided that I don't want to be a Barista forever, I now have to face the question "What are you going to do when you grow up?" I feel so far away from being 'grown-up' that I have no idea how to answer that question at all.

I have been putting it off. I suppose with prayer and consideration and openness to possibilities I will find a way forward. Perhaps I will never have that 'career' - but I'm sure I'll be doing something meaningful. I already am.

My volunteer work is what really sustains me right now. I love going out on Tuesday mornings and seeing the women that I volunteer with. Where I volunteer has a Tuesday morning, women only, program. We serve breakfast and talk to them and encourage them and then they end with a support group. It's a good program, and I'm glad I get to be a part of it. Talking with the women there gives me a different perspective. I realize how much I have and how much I take for granted. It also makes me see that we're all the same - whether we're the ones serving or the ones being served. Yet, we have an unequal balance of power. I'm not sure how to change that.

God loves us all. We all need to love each other.

My plans vs. God's plans

A few weeks ago I applied for the position of the World Student Christian Federation European Regional Secretary. I just found out that I did not get that position. However, the application and decision process was still difficult. (The following is a compilation of things written over the time from when I applied to interviewed until today.)

I heard about the position, but I was not sure that I should apply. After some very kind words by some very loving friends I decided that I was qualified and could and should apply. Although, even though I submitted my application I was struggling with whether or not I was ready to take the job, if it were offered to me.

A few weeks ago I even interviewed for the position. I talked, over skype, with five people about what I could offer WSCF- Europe. I talked about my vision of ecumenism and why I could do the job. I did not feel great about the interview, but I did not feel terribly about it.

This morning as I lay in bed thinking about what this means I realized that I was struggling with my 'plans' and how my life is unfolding. I have been planning to go to seminary, but that has always been at some future date. I went to France, I went to Geneva, I went and went, but seminary was this future thing. Then, I finally planned to apply this year. I would have started (hopefully) in fall 2011. Yet, I applied for this new position. If I had been offered it I would have put seminary off for at least a few years. Am I ready to stop 'going' and start Seminary?

I have to go back to the question of when/where I want to go to seminary. I suppose that the fact that they did not offer me the job makes my decision easier, yet, it also is saddening. However, for the moment, I am happy to be staying in Austin. (possibly not, but that is for another post). Austin has many opportunities for me and clearly working for WSCF-E is not in my current or God's current plans for me.

I will leave you with a quote from a Thomas Merton book I just began reading, "Seeds of Contemplation".

In all situations of life the "will of God" comes to us not merely as an external dictate of impersonal law but above all as interior invitation of personal love. Too often the conventional conception of "God's will" as a sphinx-like and arbitrary force bearing down upon us with implacable hostility, leads men to lose faith in a God they cannot find it possible to love... We must learn to realize that the love of God seeks us in every situation, and seeks our good. His inscrutable love seeks our awakening.

hard work

I have a post that I wrote a few months ago that I haven't published yet. I will publish it soon - I am waiting on some news before I put my life and what I've been doing out for God and the whole world to see. Suffice it to say, I'm waiting to see if I'll be offered a job.

I am also applying for other jobs - here in Austin and elsewhere. I am ready to have a career. I think I felt for a moment that my time in Geneva was the beginning of career - and it well may be - but I miss being in a professional setting with people who are passionate about what they do.

I do love my job now, and I'm very passionate about coffee - but I don't think that my job as a Barista is making the world a better place.

A few months ago a young girl (about 10) left us some artwork after she and her dad left the cafe. Apparently she had been impressed with how hard I worked. The drawing showed me and my coworker making coffee and taking money. It was very good for a 10 year old. I still think about what she wrote, though. She wrote "Dear Hard Worker, how hard you work has nothing to do with how much you earn." She went on to leave us a special 'thank you' - in the form of this drawing.

I still think about that. I never have (and hopefully never will) base how hard I work on how much I'm being paid. I do my best and I take pride in what I do. Of course, I like being paid well - but to me doing your best is the only option. When you're getting paid minimum wage or $100/hour. The pay you earn is irrelevant to how hard you work.

I suppose I'm just thinking about all of this because this kind of approach makes it very hard to say what I 'deserve' to be paid. When I'm applying for jobs I am never sure how much to ask for in a salary.

I will update more soon, hopefully very soon, about job offers and my future.

Devotional

Devotional from Tuesday June 29, 2010.

I chose a reading from the book of Job for today's devotional. The book of Job is really difficult sometimes, but I like it because it reminds us that bad things don't happen to us because we deserve them or because we are bad - bad things just happen.

Here goes:
Job 28:20-28 (New Jerusalem Bible)

But where does Wisdom come from?
Where is Intelligence to be found?

She cannot be seen by any living
she is hidden from the birds of the sky.

Perdition and Death say, ‘We have heard only rumours of her.'

God alone understands her path
and knows where she is to be found.

(For he looks to the remotest parts of the earth,
and observes all that lies under heaven.)

When he willed to give weight to the wind
and measured out the waters with a gauge,

when he imposed a law on the rain, and mapped a route for the thunderclaps to follow,

then he saw and evaluated her,
looked her through and through, assessing her.

Then he said to human beings,
Wisdom? - that is fear of the LORD;
Intelligence? - avoidance of evil.'


When we hear this passage we see that Job is trying to answer the questions, "What is Wisdom?" and "What is intelligence?"

What does it mean that God says that Wisdom is fear of the Lord? What does it mean to avoid evil? What do these really mean?

Let's start with what they don't mean. Wisdom and Intelligence in this passage are clearly not related to how most people define them today. No where does this book say that Wisdom or Intelligence is related to how many degrees you have. You don't have to have a college degree from Harvard or even a high school degree. Clearly this Wisdom is not related to how much money you earn or where you went to school. You don't have to go to UT to get this wisdom. This Wisdom and Intelligence are not something that you can buy.

What does it mean that fear of the Lord is Wisdom? Does God mean the fear of terror? I don't think so. Every time in the Bible that God sends a messenger, or a angel the very first thing they say is "Do Not Be Afraid". Clearly God does not want us to be afraid - but we are supposed to have fear of the Lord. I like to think of this fear as awe and respect and submission to God. A fear that is empowering, not paralyzing.

If Intelligence is avoidance of evil does that mean that we should just sit alone and try to act holy? Or maybe we could lock ourselves up and pray all day. I'm sure we would not encounter any evil if we did that. But I think that avoidance could be seen as actually trying to get rid of evil in this world. We can see avoidance of evil as 'doing justice' - as lessening the evil that exists.

If we are wise and intelligence we don't have to earn some fancy degree or know all the right answers or have any house or anything concrete. Instead this kind of Wisdom is a gift that God gives us so that we can learn to follow God and take risks to bring about more justice and less evil in this world. God's Wisdom and God's Intelligence are things that no one can away from us, no matter what happens in our lives. We lose our job our house our bag - no matter what we lose we can always have God's Wisdom.

Last post in June

Tomorrow is July 1st. This year, this month, this time in Austin has flown by! I cannot believe that July is almost upon us. Wow.

Yesterday was a great day. I love my friends here in Austin. In the afternoon, over tea at my house, a friend and I had a conversation about faith and belief and the purpose of religion. The book Conversations with God came up quite a bit. I read it a few years ago. I remember reading it on a train somewhere - but now I could not even tell you what continent that train was on. My friend is currently in the process of reading it. I remembered finding it unfullfilling, but interesting. The conversation with my friend was fascinating because although she was raised Christian, she does not see herself as Christian and does not believe that Jesus was the son of God. She sees everything as connected in the Universe. I agree with that statement to an extent.

Yet, I cannot not believe that Jesus was the son of God. But when I say that I sound as if someone is forcing me to believe or that I am being coerced. Instead I think that my life would be incomplete if I did not believe in Jesus as the Christ and I would no longer have an anchor or a direction in my life. Although my life feels pretty aimless to me sometimes, I know that God is walking with me and that I am on a path that I am creating with God. I am where I need to be; I always have been where I need to be and I will end up where I need to be.

I think that the reason that this book, Conversations with God, is so popular (and it is popular) is that it makes faith in God seem easy. It says we don't have to decide exactly what God is or is not, instead we can just say everything's okay. Everything that God created is good. Saying that all God created is good is much more difficult than saying "it's okay." Faith is not difficult, what is difficult is acting with faith. The life that Faith brings is full and abundant and challenging. When we begin to realize that we are responsible for everything (and I literally mean everything) we can either crumble under this weight or see this responsibility as true freedom. If we embrace this freedom we need the support of a faith community and God. I think that is where 'religion' plays an important role.

A few thoughts on an interesting conversation at the end of June.

thoughts on Church

I went to Church this morning. I actually tried out a different Church and I went to their Young Adults Sunday School. (I think they call it Wisdom Ways).

The whole thing was very intriguing as we wrestled with Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians. We looked at the passage where he talks about the Lord's Supper. Before Constantine "popularized" Christianity in the 4th century the Lord's Supper was an actual supper. It was a meal that the Christians shared. It became ritualized into the Eucharist as the Church grew during the 3rd and 4th centuries. This letter was probably written in the 1st century. Therefore the letter is talking about how to share a real meal, but it is also talking about how to share the Lord's Supper. Paul is exhorting the young Christians to share and think about others before they consume all the food to satiate their hunger. Greed, which this clearly could be about, was never a topic. Instead we discussed the idea of hospitality. How do we demonstrate radical hospitality? How do think and plan so that we have food to share with people that are hungry?

I also volunteer at this Church, which serves a meal to the homeless six days a week. Talking about eating without class division was something that hit very close to home. Although I serve breakfast once a week there, I NEVER eat breakfast with the ladies I serve. I don't do this because I have the means to provide breakfast for myself, so if I ate their food I would feel guilty. However, this separation is just that, a separation. Am I being generous and giving by not eating with these ladies? Or am I being snobby because I am choosing to eat better quality food on my own time and dime?

Paul says we are to eliminate divisions when we eat the Lord's Supper. Is he talking about all meals shared among Christians? Or is he talking about the Eucharist? What would that look like in our own lives? In our own Churches?

I originally intended to write about one quote from my class this morning, so I'll leave that as a closing thought, although it's unrelated.

"Church was not created for God, but for us."

Sunny California

I'm in Los Angeles. The city of angels. I lived here for five years before moving to Europe. I really do love this city. A lot of people complain or say that it's too big. I see the complaints, but being back here just reminds me of how much I loved living here.

Two of my friends were married yesterday. I am so happy for them. They seemed like the most beautiful, happy, in love couple yesterday. It was amazing seeing them and their family and their friends gathered together to celebrate their love for each other and for God. They are a couple that truly puts their faith first in their lives. I am so glad I was here to witness their union.

Being here in LA makes me realize how lucky I am. I have so much for which to be grateful and thankful. I have real friends who love me and care for me even if they don't live in Austin with me. I have reconnected with people and realized just how strong my bonds are here.

Los Angeles has so much to offer. I have eaten some amazing food in the past four days. Japanese food. Korean Food. Dim Sum. Diner Food. I have seen a play about South Los Angeles. I've walked downtown. I've taken a subway. (Yes, LA does have some public transit). I've driven on the 101, the 110, the 10, the 5 and the 2. I've seen the Los Angeles Lakers become the NBA champions for second straight year. I've watched Mexico beat France in the World Cup. Los Angeles is never boring.

Searching for the perfect roommate

My life has recently been consumed with the search for the perfect roommate. I recently moved into a house with a very cool roommate and one empty room. The owner is here often and since we each sign individual leases, was working with us to find the right person for this empty room.

She (the owner) posted ads on Craigslist explaining who we were and what we were about. See, unlike some people who are looking for a roommate, we were looking for someone to be part of this house community. To be 'our people', so to speak. Living with someone, especially a 'stranger' can be daunting. But we were looking for someone who was going to not be a stranger, but become part of the 'family'.

In this process I talked with about 4 or 5 people. The owner went through countless emails and phone calls and meetings. My other housemate met with a few people. We never found that perfect person. The right person never found us. We offered the room to a few people, but they declined.

Finally yesterday, after a brief, 15 minute meeting, we found the right person. The right person found us. I am so happy! This search has seemed long, but yet, finding the right person is important. After all, I'm going to be living with the person and this person with me.

I'm glad to say that I'm happy about the outcome. Now I have one less worry on my mind. I'm sure there is some theological implications or extrapolations to be made from this story... but right now I'm not going there. Maybe another day?

a higher form of insurance

I really like this blog. In her most recent entry she asks when the Church stopped being 'edgy'. One of the comments on her blog was from a bishop (at least the username was bishop) who said that the Church lost her edginess when: "faith stopped being about taking on risk and became a higher form of Insurance." I think this sentiment is spot on. If we see faith as an assurance of our 'safety' in the afterlife than we are no longer compelled by the spirit to take risks, but are instead complacent paying our monthly premiums and waiting for the big payoff in the end. It also becomes imperative that everyone buy into your insurance scheme because you have found the 'ultimate' safety. This type of faith is very comforting. It is also very straightforward. If you do this, then the result is that. Faith is a stumbling block and a difficult gift from God. It is not something that we can beat into people.

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However in my experiences I have found that God is not that straightforward. When I was in high school I thought I would be a film or play director. (I was even accepted into a prestigious school for their directing program). I decided to move out to LA and began my University career at Occidental College. There I fell in love with Politics and God. My life has forever been changed. I was not expecting to become a Christian activist, but when we follow the spirit we are surprised and amazed and happy. We get much more out of our relationship with God than we could ever put in. Our faith is much more than final Insurance, it is a way of life.

finally back into blogging

This past week has been rather plain. For a few weeks work was very stressful and I was working more than 40 hours a week. Now work has calmed down. I'm only working 32 hours a week. I have time to cook and think about what I want to cook. I have time to read books (Agatha Christie most recently). I have time to catch up on TV. (I'm completely caught up on Doctor Who!). I have time to write (hence my last two 'creative' entries). I have time even to go out with friends. I have time to blog. I am finally feeling like having a plain week is a good thing here in Austin.

Thursday was my cousin's birthday and so to celebrate we went to see a show. We saw the play, Bug. The play deals with the seedy underworld that most of us ignore, when we can. The whole play is set in a bug-infested motel room outside of Oklahoma City. This production was done by a local theater company and was clearly not Broadway. However, I found the play itself to be mesmerizing. The script was incredible. The characters were real and seedy and lovable and hate-able and disgusting and endearing. (The play was made into a movie in 2006).

I have been thinking about sanity since I watched it. On another note about sanity (or the difference between reality and dreams) I saw A Midsummer Night's Dream again this weekend. Every year Austin Shakespeare puts on a free play in the park. I was reminded of how amazingly good Shakespeare is. His plays are just truly splendid.

more 'creative' stuff...

There was nothing left to be said. They sat in silence waiting for his ride to come. They had chatted about the weather. They had chatted about the construction on Government Blvd (“It's making traffic unbearable, really.” “I know, I can't stand it.”) They had chatted about everything they thought they could safely talk about. They had definitely not talked about the person coming to pick him up. They had definitely not talked about why he was there. Simply making small talk. Avoid all important subjects. If need be, one must sit uncomfortably in silence. One must never say what is really on one's mind. Small talk.

They sat in the waiting room, still waiting. The dusty clock above the receptionist's desk seemed to be ticking more loudly and more slowly than ever before. The second hand refused to move, as if tempting one of them to say something. Tempting one of them to break out of the limited small topics.

Really, there was nothing left to be said. Nick knew why James was here. James knew why Nick was here. James knew that in any moment she would pull up outside and Nick would leave with a simple, “Cheers” or “See you” and it would all be over. Or perhaps it would end with the nurse calling out “James T. Green”. He would simply wave and go behind that cheap wooden door. They both knew that any further comments would simply be inappropriate. Any further comments would destroy the illusion that neither one knew.

A chirping of a mechanic bird came from Nick's pocket. He was halfway standing as he took the phone out and looked at it. He sat back down. If it weren't pouring out he would have just gone outside, but going outside in this weather just to avoid the heavy silence between them was unthinkable. Worst storm in a 100 years, the weatherman had said. It seemed like he said that every summer. It had been raining that day. James had even had the audacity to ask about Amy. He had been casual. Pretending that he was asking just about a woman that he had known a few years back. Of course, Nick's response had seemed just as casual, but they both knew the truth. There was nothing left to be said.

memories

She opened her eyes. She still couldn't remember. It all looked familiar. As if she had dreamt of it in another dream that she couldn't remember. The small carvings in the molding of the plaster ceiling. The paint peeling back from the left corner where the leak from the bathroom above proved too much to handle. Even the small oval photograph that sat, dusty, on the dresser reminded her of what she could not remember.

The birds chirping outside the partially open window seemed to say, “I'm here. I'm here.” As if they knew that her memories were there even if she could not access them.

She closed her eyes.

She opened them again to look at the man sleeping next to her. What was his name? He had reminded her again yesterday. Tony. Yes. That was it. Tony. Or was it Adam? It was Tony.

Tony. Their pictures hung everywhere in this house. The photo of them at Disney World. Her hugging Arielle – who was her favorite Disney Character. She could tell you Arielle's life story, but not her own. The photos of their wedding. Them – outside – her leaning against a tree and him leaning over her just kissing her ear. The whole family standing in front of a beautiful Church. She didn't even know where that Church was located, much less what it was called. Tony had kindly pointed out her mother, her brother and then his father and mother and brothers and sisters. He had gently gone through all the aunts, uncles, grandparents and other various relatives on both sides. She knew she'd never remember them all. Yet they are her family. Are they family if you don't know they're family?

She had asked about her Dad.

“Where's my Dad?

“Oh, God.”

“What?”

“He died.”

“What? When? How? What?”

“You were 23. He was 61. It was a car accident.”

“I don't care. I mean, I do, but right now I feel like you're telling me that the Prime Minister of India died when I was 23. I don't remember him. Oh God – will I ever remember him? What if I never remember my father? What if my memories never come back? What will we do?”

She had said that phrase so many times in the past three days. “What will we do?” Somehow, this man, Tony, was still answering all her questions. He must truly love her.

She had spent most of these past days willing herself to remember. It was like trying to remember a dream. The more you try the less you remember. Every time she thought she remembered something she'd ask Tony.

“Is my brother named Joe?”

“No. He's Mick.”

“Oh, right. Mick. Who's Joe?”

“We don't know anybody named Joe, except the old priest at Church.”

She closed her eyes.

She opened her eyes. She still couldn't remember.

writing

In college I took a creative writing class. I really loved it. (You can see all my work on my old blog in some of the entries between January and May of 2006). I have begun writing again. I've started writing some stuff that I really like, however, I have not shown it to anyone yet. I feel that it somehow reveals something about me. I don't know what or how, but I feel like it is personal. I can write, in depth, about my life, about what I am planning to do and God, but yet, as soon as I write a piece that is completely fictional I feel vulnerable and naked. I will post one of the short pieces that I wrote a few weeks ago. I need to type it up first, but in a few days.

In looking through my old blog - I found this post from March 2007. I think it still explains how I feel about writing.

Writing is a way of life for me.

thinking about education

I have been having conversations about education recently. As many of you may know, I am hugely in debt because of my four year degree. I am also incredibly grateful and happy that I have that degree. I believe it was the right choice for me. However, my family is a very educated family. My mother has a master's degree. Both of my grandparent's on my Dad's side have college degrees, even my great grandfather had a degree! (little fact about my family, my great-grandfather, grandfather, grandmother, two my brothers and my sister-in-law all went to the same college in Shreveport, Louisiana.) Really, it would be strange, considering my family history if I did not have a college degree.

All that being said, I believe that there are different types of knowledge. One is the type that you receive through an education at a university, but there are many other types as well. The knowledge you receive from your family. The knowledge you gain through employment. The knowledge you acquire through friendships. The knowledge that comes from life experiences. The knowledge imparted from elders. The knowledge you learn from on-the-job training. All of these types of knowledge are important, and none is more valuable than the other. In our society, we have placed monetary and societal significance on College education, however, that education is just one type of education. We are limiting ourselves and students when we limit "real" education to having a four year degree.

In the US there is a push now for alternatives to four year college. I just read this article in the New York times. I think it is imperative that we develop an alternative to the four year college system for some students. However, we cannot do that while saying that 'under achieving' or 'less desirable' students can complete these other courses. No, we must fully believe (and fund) other, practical, alternatives to four year college. We must move forward and see that knowledge is not based on your ability to take a test, but instead is measured in a myriad of ways. Trying to force all students into the University track only increases the chance of failure of some students and brings other students down because professors are overburdened. I hope that the US can find a way to embrace the idea that all skills and knowledge are equally valuable and that we should not only put monetary value and societal worth on the four year college degree.

life changes through buying

I have done a lot of things in my life. I've lived in foreign countries, I've learned a foreign language, I've traveled to Africa, Asia and Europe. I've lived in Los Angeles, Chicago and San Francisco. I've been to New York. I've climbed the great wall of China. I've eaten Dim Sum in Hong Kong. I've been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I've looked out over the Swiss and French Alps. I've done a lot of amazing things in my life. I've brought in the new year in Cape Town, South Africa. I've seen a film at the Cannes Film Festival.

I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying this because I'm now doing something that I've never done before. All of these things I mention involve travel and going to new places and experiencing new foods and seeing the world in a blur as I go from one place to the next. I have not lived in one place in this globe for more than a year. Even in college, I would go every summer and then return starting my new "year". Since college I have moved from Los Angles to France to Geneva to Texas. Texas. Texas. It is much less glamorous than Cannes, Los Angles or Geneva, but I am enjoying the "American grittiness" of it. I'm really moving here. When I moved here I knew I was coming back "for good" but at the same time I kept my eye on the horizon looking for the next opportunity to take me abroad so that I might continue my fast paced, fascinating, interesting life. Yet, I am here and I am here for the foreseeable (well at least until 2011) future.

I know, now, that I am living here because I made two purchases this week of a nature that I have never made before. On Monday, I began my search for a car. I had never bought a car before this week. My uncle, who has bought innumerable cars helped me in this process and we in fact bought the very first car we found. On Monday, I ended my car search. Yesterday, on Friday, I bought a bed. I know it's not big, but I've never bought furniture before. I have never needed to furnish a place because I was never there long enough to need my "own" furnishings.

I now know that I am entering a new phase of my life because I have bought these items. I must live in a consumer driven society because I am basing my recognition of my changes through what I purchase.

Godliness

I went to theology on tap last week. Theology on Tap is a program of St. David's young adult ministry. (please note that I do not currently attend St. David's). The idea is that we meet once a month at a bar and talk about God and stuff. I've been twice now. I really like it.

This week our conversation turned to the topic of Godliness. (we were supposed to be talking about recreation and God). We went around our table of 5 and defined what makes a Godly life. (This table included me, a professional photographer, her husband - a theology student, an applied math PHD student and a writer/business student). The answers were all different and interesting. I started with "Peace with yourself, God and others." The next answer was very vague, "Any action that is in accordance with God's will" (okay I'm paraphrasing that one). Then next answer was "Living your life so that you are more like Christ every day, through the sacraments of the Church." The math student sitting next to me said that living a Godly life was "living out God's plan for you life in joy." There was a clear distinction between living out some plan you thought God had for your life and being miserable and living out that plan which brought you joy. Finally my friend, the photographer, said that "emptying yourself to love God's people." was a Godly life.

Our conversation was so fascinating because we all had such different ideas of what a Godly life is and most of our answers were not concrete. I personally, think that anyone can live a Godly life whether or not they go to Church or believe in Christ or are of some other faith. My friend who said that living Godly life was dependent on being part of Church would highly disagree. We were able to be in discussion and listen and respect the other opinion. Over our beer and gin and tonics (and delicious enchiladas) we were able to discuss these ideas and talk about the freedom in Christ and be in true conversation. I have missed that since I've been back in Texas. While in Geneva I was surrounded by people who were aware of and exploring faith in amazing ways - but here I had not yet found people that I connected with on a spiritual level. It's refreshing to hear and see and experience a spiritual friendship. I hadn't even realized how much I needed that until I experienced it again.

I am so thankful that I am beginning to find Godly friends here.

computers

While I lived in France I did not have a computer. This didn't really bother me. I was living in a foreign country everything was exciting and new. I would use the 'mediateque' to check my email twice a week. It was on my way home from where I worked. Twice a week was fine for me. I did what I needed to do. If I was really in a pinch and NEEDED to do something on the internet I could pay for it at a cyber cafe. In Geneva I would go for weekends without the internet because my computer stayed in the office. I also did even have access at my residence until I had lived there for months. I did not seem to mind this limited access. Yet, once I returned to the US, somehow internet became a part of my everyday activities. I could not live for more than three hours without checking my email (both my personal and my work account), facebook, and couchsurfing. Luckily, I never took up twitter. Even going to work for 8 hours was a challenge for me.

Then my computer broke. Luckily, a friend lent me a computer so that I could finish the work I was contracted to do for the World Council of Churches. Then a few days after Easter, after my project ended, she needed her computer. I was computerless. I was going to give in and buy a computer, but a friend of mine said "My boyfriend can fix it." Three weeks later he has my computer and I am at the library. He is working on it, but it's in 'bad shape'. We'll see if he can fix it or not. We'll see if I buy a computer in the next few weeks, amid the many other things I have to buy (bedroom furniture, a car and perhaps a plane ticket).

Yet, all of this to say that perhaps not having access to the internet 24/7 is a good thing. I've used a phone book twice in the past three days! I have called and talked to people rather than using the internet to show me the information I wanted. I have spent much more time with my Aunt and Uncle. Perhaps not having a computer has been a blessing. Perhaps.... but somehow I still want one.

time off from blogging

I'm sorry for the long absence from this blog. I honestly will try and write more, but I think i have a decent excuse - My computer is broken. So I am computerless at the moment. I am borrowing my uncle's computer to write this message.

My life feels like it has been a bit hectic. I'm working quite a bit. I do like my job, most of the time. I am sometimes tired of it, but overall, I am happy to have a job and I see myself working there for the foreseeable future.

I've also started volunteering. I like my volunteer work. (I don't have much experience with people experiencing poverty - except for my personal experience of growing up without much money - but that is very different from poverty - at least in my mind, perhaps it is because my family is so educated.. but I digress). I try to volunteer once a week at a homeless service center here in Austin. I really like it. We serve breakfast to women in the mornings. Many of the women do not look "homeless". Many of them do. Many of them are clearly mentally unfit, others are as educated as me. Others need help getting their appointments to go to the doctor others just need someone to listen to them. I try to remember that a little piece of God is in every one of us. Myself and each person I meet. We were all created in God's image. That means we're all sacred - even if I want to see them as less than me or God.

Through my volunteer work I made a friend who invited me Saturday night to hear Immaculee Ilibagiza speak about her experiences during the Rwandan Holocaust in 1994. She is a very powerful speaker. Her story centers on her journey during that harrowing time and how she discovered God through it. If you have not read her book, Left to Tell, I would highly recommend it to you. I am always so fascinated by people who have lived through Hell and yet come out singing the praises of God. Sometimes those of us who have privilege and live relatively easy lives find it hard to praise God for the every day miracles in our lives. Hearing her laugh as she talked about her childhood in Rwanda is more moving than all the statistics about how many people were killed. She lost her entire family (except one brother who was out of the country when the killing started) yet she is able to laugh and joke and enjoy what she has now. She truly has freedom through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

She said one thing that really struck me. I'll leave you with this quote:

If you must choose between being kind and being right - choose kindness.

work

I've been working a lot. Well, actually I've only been working about 40 hours a week - but it feels like a lot. Plus if you add my commute (at least 20 minutes one way) then it is more than 40 hours a week, but not much more. I had just forgotten what that was - or perhaps I never knew. I've never worked for 40 hours a week where I was on my feet the whole time. I mean the WHOLE time, there are no seats in the kitchen and it would be weird if there were - but still I feel like I'm working a lot.

It also seems like everything comes at you at once. I am feeling overwhelmed about working and then on top of that one of my coworkers quit so I'm working two extra shifts this week (go overtime!). Plus, I'm looking for an apartment to move into by May. I'm also doing research on buying a scooter, because a car is just too expensive! I tried to go to three different scooter shops today, but apparently Monday is the day all scooter shops are closed. Now, it looks I'm going to need to buy my own computer soon too. A lot of money to be spent, I guess should be happy that I'm working all this overtime so that I can afford to buy all these fun things I want.

I guess this is just a rant about feeling like I don't have any time - of course when I wasn't working full time I felt like I had all the time in the world and I didn't do much with it. I suppose I'm being more productive now that I have to squeeze more into my day. Perhaps it is useful to have parameters like 40+ hours a week of work to make sure that other things get done.

Easter

It doesn't feel like Easter to me. Maybe that's because I haven't been very disciplined about my Lenten discipline. Maybe that's because I didn't go to Church on Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday or Good Friday. Maybe that's because I'm going to work this afternoon (with break for the Easter vigil). Maybe it's because I'm planning on spending my Easter Sunday working.

I don't feel like I'm ready to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus. Perhaps we're never ready, but God is always ready. As we say at Church, God is more willing to give than we are to receive. Easter Saturday. Holy Saturday. Today just feels like a normal Saturday. Perhaps after Church this evening Easter will be more real to me. Maybe I'll begin to think that I understand the mystery of Christ.

Christ has died.

Christ is risen.

Christ will come again.

Spring and my new job...

I had forgotten what working was like. I mean I'd been working in France for about a year only 12 hours a week, then I worked here - but never more than 30 hours a week, and then Geneva, but my work didn't really feel like work, and I didn't work quite 40 hours a week (a full time job in Geneva is 37 hours a week). Now I have a job where I am working 39 hours a week - plus the 1/2 hour drive to get there. So that means I have 9 hour work days, which start at 6 am. (and I'm still working almost 10 hours a week for the WCC doing this awesome project!) Needless to say, I am much more tired than before and I'm feeling the stress of having a job and working and all that stuff. Yet, it is hard to feel bad for very long when it is so beautiful outside!

Spring arrived officially last week and brought with it the last (I hope) cold snap. Now it is amazing here. Austin is such a great place for being outside! Last week I took one of my days off and went hiking with some friends and my dog. We went to a State Park and walked for about 4 hours. We only ran into one other person on the trail. It was beautiful! Today is just as beautiful as a day. It is days like today that make me grateful to be alive and happy that nature is so pretty. Flowers are so bright. I don't think I've ever seen anything as blue as the bluebonnets on the trail this morning or as yellow as the flowers that were blooming in the grass. It is amazingly verdant here.

Life is good.