My life

My life seems a little boring right now. I mean I know about the "reverse" culture shock and all. But I had forgotten just how much difficult and depressing it really is. It is hard to go back to things when nothing is quite the same, but yet it doesn't feel all that different either.

I have quite a bit of time on my hands. So I have been watching TV. I just gorged myself on Torchwood. It is a spin off of the amazing British Sci-fi show, Doctor Who. In the past week I have watched all three seasons. I'm slightly ashamed to admit it - although the British seasons are not nearly as long as the American seasons, so it's only like watching a season and a half of an American show - or at least I tell myself that so I don't feel so horrible about it. And one of the season's was only 5 episodes. So that hardly even counts, right?

It is easy to overindulge when there is nothing stopping me. I have to work a few hours on my website for the WCC, but that is the only activity that I HAVE to do during the week. That and walk my dog. That is why I am going to start volunteering. Starting next week I am going to volunteer. I don't know where yet, but I'm sure there are some places here that need someone. Volunteers are always helpful. I'll post more on that once I start. Wish me luck!

Prayer

Last night I watched the State of the Union address with some friends from my Church here in Austin. It was a good speech, but surprisingly, after the speech we got very off topic and started talking science and CERN and what effect the observer has on the observation. Quantum physics and Schrodinger's Cat etc. But eventually we got to prayer.

Prayer is one of those things that I don't really understand.

What does prayer do. What is the purpose of it? Is prayer a way that we can change God's mind? What does God do when two people are praying for completely opposite things? (like a football game - something inconsequential, yet whose prayer does God answer? If our team wins is that an answer to our prayer? If our team loses does that mean we don't have enough faith - I know this example is silly, but the question is still valid) Is prayer a way that we can affect the will of God? What happens when people die, even though we prayed for them? What happens when we don't see what we have been praying for? Or is prayer simply a comfort for us and it does nothing in the supernatural world? Prayer is simply a way for us to feel better, perhaps? If so, what is the point? Perhaps going and reading a good book will make us feel better, just the same.

I have experiences in my life where things have changed after I prayed - perhaps the change was only in me and my expectations then caused the change in my physical reality.

Here is an experience I just remembered, which doesn't quite fit that explanation. When I was in college I used to lead a Prayer group. We were very small, just usually two or three. One night, I was waiting by myself for the others to show up. I prayed that God would bring just one person that we hadn't invited. One new person. As soon as we were about to get started a girl I had never seen before came into the chapel asking if we were the ones praying. She had seen a flyer somewhere on campus. None of us had ever spoken to her. I know that her presence was an answer to that prayer. Perhaps she would have come anyway - but I know that God heard me. Maybe that was just a coincidence - but I can't believe in coincidences like that.

I don't know the purpose of prayer or how it works, but I do know that I don't use it often enough.

Women

I am working on this project (http://women.overcomingviolence.org) with the World Council of Churches. As part of a Lenten study the site showcases different places around the world where people are working to eliminate violence against women. One of things that we are trying to do with this information is not to simply show what women in other parts of the world are doing, but to inspire women (and men) everywhere to work to eliminate violence against women in their context.

The first video that we have is about Dalit women in India. These women are part of the lowest caste in India and they have very few rights within their society, yet by working together they are being empowered to create change. Yet, the point of this video is not to see how amazing these women are over there. The point is to see that change is possible in any situation, no matter how dire it seems. Although this was our intention, I was not sure if was clear or not through our resources. However, today, after reading a review of the site that a friend of one of the coordinators wrote, I realize that our intention has come through.

I hope that if people choose to use this as their Lenten study that women will be inspired by these stories from around the world to create change in their communities, whatever the context. Inspiration for hope and change is the point of this study. I think that is the point of Lent too. We use the 40 days before Easter as a time to remember Jesus' suffering and the hopelessness that he experienced in the desert as a time to become fully aware of the suffering in our world, but then to see all of that through the lens of the Cross. The hope that comes from having a God that loves the world so much he suffers with us. Yet suffering is not the end. Far from it. Jesus' resurrection points to hope. To hope of a new way that is possible. Hope and inspiration.

I have a dog

I have a dog (and no it's not the one that was pictured in the last post).

The reason I say this is that I now I have to take my dog out on walks. (okay, so technically he's not my dog - he lives in the house where I am housesitting and so I am also dogsitting). He is a really great dog! However, he needs to get out of the house at least twice a day for at least twenty minutes. This doesn't seem like much, except that I have time to think as I am walking around my neighborhood. I have to time to look at my watch and think. Sometimes I am in a hurry. Sometimes I am just walking enjoying the beautiful weather here.

Recently I have been thinking about rushing. I don't mean joining a sorority, I mean the fact that I am always trying to finish whatever I am doing. I am trying to move onto the next thing. I can't just sit and do the task I'm doing. I have to do that task as quickly as possible. The quicker I do something the better it is. However, walking a dog for twenty minutes cannot be done in less than twenty minutes. That means I cannot rush through this act. The fact that I cannot rush through my walk gives me the freedom to truly be present with my dog and with my feet and with the ground and with the trees as I am walking for a full twenty minutes.

I sometimes wish other activities had a timer on them. But alas, writing can be rushed through or procrastinated and there is no alarm that will ring telling me my writing is done. Only I can do that. I can take solace in the time I have during the day that I cannot rush through. The time I have walking my dog.

Church.. and other things

(The picture is of my parents' new puppy)

I went to Church on Sunday. I know this is not a revelation, since I am supposedly a Christian. (I am still trying to figure out what the word Christian means - which is why I used the adjective "supposedly" - but I think that is what makes me a Christian - the constant struggle to define who I am in relation to Christ - this is getting way too deep for parentheses, so I'll post some other day on this topic).

I went to the Church of Conscious Harmony with my cousin who goes there regularly. I had been once before - but I didn't really pay attention last time. The Church is very modern - but built in a rustic style. The grounds are very large - it took me a few minutes of wandering about and down and around to find the sanctuary. The service itself included a few songs, a long sermon and some silence. They are big on centering prayer (or meditation). The congregation was 99% white, and mostly not grey-haired. I find this interesting because many "traditional" Churches in the US are simply filled with people who have white-grey hair. The fact that I had to search for the grey hairs in the crowd meant that this Church is doing something right in reaching out to younger folks. I know that whenever I go to an Episcopal Church I find the majority are older. However, growing up Episcopalian I am wary of all "non-traditional" Churches.

The sermon was on our unity with one another and God. I like the topic. I agree that we are all in it together, but I do draw the line. I do think that I am separate from other people. I do believe that I exist, in union with God and in connection with other people. Yet there is still I, there is still my will.

The pastor also preached on the passage from Matthew about separating the sheep from the goats. I know that passage and I sometimes find it comforting. When I am doing work that seems hard, I know that God is in each and every person that I am serving. That comforts me. What I find uncomfortable is that I know I have failed. I drove past two homeless men on the street on the way to Church who were asking for money. I didn't give either one of them a dime. I have seen the face of God in those people and turned away. Does that mean I am a goat? Is that point of redemption - that we fail to live up to these standards? But then what is the point? If we know we will fail, why try? (I suppose this is a little depressing - but this is what I am struggling with right now). Is our "final" judgment a big scale where God weighs our good actions with our bad? "Well this time you fed this hungry guy, but that time you left that poor guy without any clothes, and this time you went to the prison, but you only visited the one prisoner - so the other 3,948 inmates count against you." If that is the way God works then I know that my acts of compassion will weigh far less than my acts of uncompassion. I can't believe in a God like that. I don't want to worship a God like that. If that is God than I'd rather be an atheist. Yet, it says that our salvation is through faith alone. I suppose this is an eternal question about the Christian faith. What is the point?

Schedule

The photo is one that I took on South Padre Island two days after Christmas.


My life in Texas so far has been one of lack of schedule. The only thing I have had on my plate for paid work is the eight hours a week that I'm continuing to work on this project for the WCC.

This means that I have a lot of free time on my hands. Aside from watching Firefly, I have been enjoying my new dog. (My house sitting gig comes with a dog!) I have never had my own dog before - I mean, I've always had a dog - but never one that dependent on me and me alone. This has added a new dynamic to how I think about things. For example, I left a party early last week because I knew that my dog had been alone for nearly 7 hours and I didn't want him to be alone for that long.

However, the dog does not require a schedule either. I do have to walk him a few times a day, but there are no set hours. I have found that I find it very easy to do nothing. Doing nothing has given me time to think.

During my retreat on the meaning of life recently we talked some about vocation. (I wish we had talked about it more) One of things I realized while we were talking was that most people when talking about what they want to be remembered for do not list specific achievements. Instead they list qualities: being generous, being a good parent, being kind to strangers, being loved. I took this to mean that our "vocation" - if that is what indeed we are called to do with our lives, what it is we are called to be remembered for -is not about what we do, but about who we are. With this revelation it changes the way that I look for (and listen for) my calling in life. My calling is not to a job or to a profession or perhaps even to a way of life but it is to my being - my vocation is to live my life. Therefore what I do is irrelevant to my sense of calling, to my vocation. I do not mean that actions are irrelevant but that if we live our lives as we are called than our actions will come naturally. I do not need to search and listen to see what "job" God is calling me to make my vocation but instead I need to listen and search so that I can hear who God is calling me to be. Out of my being will come the situation in which my vocation will be fulfilled.

Return to "Real" life

So I am back now from my sojourn about the meaning of life. I didn't find the meaning of life, but I am glad I went.

I had coffee today with a friend that I met when I lived here in Austin before. It was great to reconnect with her. We had coffee at a place that we had been to before, when I lived here before. Being there with her made me realize how everything is the same and everything has changed. We are both different people than we were ten months ago. We have different everyday struggles. We are busying our lives with different activities. Yet we are the same. We are the same people, the same spirit. Everything is the same and everything is different.

I suppose this is part of the effects of culture shock that I experience as I return this "my" culture that feels foreign.

2010

January 4, 2010. Looking at that date I feel like I was looking at a date in the future. Somehow going 2009 to 2010 makes me feel like the future is upon us. The future is here. Strange. I wonder what people thought we would have by 2010. Perhaps we have achieved that, perhaps surpassed it, perhaps not yet arrived. Yet we, as a human species have arrived at 2010. We made it. Congratulations.

Christmas and New Years were good. I am back in Texas now! I have officially left Geneva - although I am keeping this blog simply because it is easier than changing. (Although I am still working for a Geneva-based organization, so perhaps that counts)

I have been busy, but yet I do not feel like I've settled in yet. I have not yet found my routine - perhaps that will not come very quickly. Perhaps that will come quicker than I anticipate. We will see.

I am going to a conference later this week about the meaning of life. I know it sounds cheesy - but if the meaning of life is in how we the life that we are given, then I think that the conference I'm going to this week will be about how to live meaningfully. I will report on the conference. ;)

I watched a good German movie tonight "What to do in case of fire". It challenged me because it was about activists 15 years after their heyday of activism. Some had remained "committed" some had "sold out". It was interesting to see their commentary on what it meant to be committed to a movement. I think about this because I wonder where I will be in 15 years. Will I be involved in the work I am doing now? Will I be doing something something different? Who knows?