Church.. and other things

(The picture is of my parents' new puppy)

I went to Church on Sunday. I know this is not a revelation, since I am supposedly a Christian. (I am still trying to figure out what the word Christian means - which is why I used the adjective "supposedly" - but I think that is what makes me a Christian - the constant struggle to define who I am in relation to Christ - this is getting way too deep for parentheses, so I'll post some other day on this topic).

I went to the Church of Conscious Harmony with my cousin who goes there regularly. I had been once before - but I didn't really pay attention last time. The Church is very modern - but built in a rustic style. The grounds are very large - it took me a few minutes of wandering about and down and around to find the sanctuary. The service itself included a few songs, a long sermon and some silence. They are big on centering prayer (or meditation). The congregation was 99% white, and mostly not grey-haired. I find this interesting because many "traditional" Churches in the US are simply filled with people who have white-grey hair. The fact that I had to search for the grey hairs in the crowd meant that this Church is doing something right in reaching out to younger folks. I know that whenever I go to an Episcopal Church I find the majority are older. However, growing up Episcopalian I am wary of all "non-traditional" Churches.

The sermon was on our unity with one another and God. I like the topic. I agree that we are all in it together, but I do draw the line. I do think that I am separate from other people. I do believe that I exist, in union with God and in connection with other people. Yet there is still I, there is still my will.

The pastor also preached on the passage from Matthew about separating the sheep from the goats. I know that passage and I sometimes find it comforting. When I am doing work that seems hard, I know that God is in each and every person that I am serving. That comforts me. What I find uncomfortable is that I know I have failed. I drove past two homeless men on the street on the way to Church who were asking for money. I didn't give either one of them a dime. I have seen the face of God in those people and turned away. Does that mean I am a goat? Is that point of redemption - that we fail to live up to these standards? But then what is the point? If we know we will fail, why try? (I suppose this is a little depressing - but this is what I am struggling with right now). Is our "final" judgment a big scale where God weighs our good actions with our bad? "Well this time you fed this hungry guy, but that time you left that poor guy without any clothes, and this time you went to the prison, but you only visited the one prisoner - so the other 3,948 inmates count against you." If that is the way God works then I know that my acts of compassion will weigh far less than my acts of uncompassion. I can't believe in a God like that. I don't want to worship a God like that. If that is God than I'd rather be an atheist. Yet, it says that our salvation is through faith alone. I suppose this is an eternal question about the Christian faith. What is the point?