A strange and busy week

Note: This blog was written on the 10th of September as a reflection upon my decision to stay in Geneva until the end of December. I have talked about it with my supervisor here at work - it is basically as I wrote it just after I finally decided.

However, my supervisor posed this questions to me: "What is the purpose of sharing this?" My purpose is only to share the process that I went through. I hope that by sharing this process with you perhaps you can relate to what I experienced. Hopefully we can understand each other a little better on a human level.

Here it is:

I say it was a strange and busy week, but it was really only three days. Four if you include Sunday night.

I'll start with Sunday. I was offered a job on Sunday. I was offered a job as a governess/english teacher/literary assistant for a very wealthy family here in Geneva. The father is a writer, hence the literary assistant part of the job description. I had interviewed the previous Tuesday, and thought it went well. I was definitely interested in the job. I had been planning to leave WSCF at the end of September due to finances and this seemed like a reasonable way for me to stay in Geneva, which was my goal. We planned the final "interview" for Monday so that I could meet the six children, aged 7-10, and see the house where I would be living etc. This all seems very normal - but being offered a job here in Geneva totally freaked me out.

I don't know what it was - but I had a physical reaction when I got off the phone with him. My breathing was very fast and couldn't quite string together more than a few words. (Since I'm such an extrovert this is an accomplishment.) I was not sure why I reacted so physically to the idea of staying here as a nanny, but this reaction made me seriously consider if this job would be good for me or not.

Monday I went to work as usual. Stressing about the idea of meeting the kids that evening. I could not focus and it did not feel like a normal work day in any sense of the word.

That afternoon I met the kids. The kids were probably my favorite part of that afternoon. They seemed very well taken care of. Each one had his/her own bedroom (and bathroom as far as I could tell). The oldest one had just turned ten the day before. She was cute, playing with the Barbie her father had given her. I also did not like the room where I'd be staying or the fact that I would only get one day a week off. This one day was also my vacation time. I could either use my one day every week or accrue them and take off a longer vacation. However, since I attempt to sabbath, I would have to take my one day every week which would mean no vacation time. Ever. No time off for Christmas or time to go back to the States or just a mental health day. No time off. Only work.

I came home that day and went to sleep. I made it back to home about 8pm and fell asleep by 9:15. I was not in a place to think or do anything. I just needed to process and for me processing that night looked like restless sleep.

Tuesday morning I awoke, knowing what I would do. I would go back to Texas. I was convinced that leaving in October was the right decision for me. I would get to see my family. I would get to see my friends. I would be back "home".

Tuesday morning I changed my plane ticket. I told my family I was coming back October 19. I told my friends I was coming back in October. I had already canceled my lease, but I felt secure knowing I would be leaving Geneva for good October 19. Somehow, an exact date makes everything more concrete.

Everything was finalized. To make myself feel even better I went and got a coffee and a pastry. I needed some breathing space. I was certain that I would leave Geneva for good on October 19th.

Of course what is certainty? Later that same day my certitude and finality was shattered.

A person that I work with, who had always promised to try and help me stay in Geneva, came and talked to me. His words had always been encouraging, but I assumed that he had not actually found a way to help me stay. We talked some about a project that we're working on. We talked some about how I am leaving. Then he said, "I have the money for you to stay until the end of December." Just like that. "You can stay here, doing what you're doing, and I'll make sure you have the money for it." Just like that. I was flabbergasted. That morning I had been so convinced and so sure that going back to Austin was FINAL. No way around it. I'm leaving October 19.


It took me a minute to think. To find words to say. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. I need to decide. I need to decide. Can I tell you on Monday?

I have been praying, almost incessantly now for a few months, for guidance. I have been praying that I would KNOW the right thing to do. Stay here in Geneva doing odd jobs? Go back to Texas? Move to Los Angeles? Move to Chicago? Go to Spain? Move to France? Go to seminary? Be ordained? Who knows - just that I would KNOW what I need to do next in my life. I have been praying and asking God for guidance. I finally felt like I had found that guidance. I felt like God was telling me it's time for me to go back. (This is could be related to the fact that the reason I moved to Austin in the first place is that God told me to - but that is another story for another day). I felt confident that I was following the path God was putting in front of me. Then all of a sudden this other path opened up. This path that I had been praying for, this path that required a miracle was suddenly in front of me. The miracle had occurred, just not in the timing that I would have chosen. I suppose that is why miracles are of God - if we could choose when they happen they wouldn't be miracles.

That afternoon I walked a labyrinth, set up temporarily outside my work. A labyrinth is like a maze, but spiritual. A good friend of mine, who I had called to talk things out with, brought me there to walk this old, ancient path. We walked it together, then sat in the middle and talked. We talked about our futures, our pasts, our lives, why I'm ontologically obsessed with decisions, why I can't figure out what my life is about. We talked and we talked. I realized that I do in fact want to go home. I want to see my friends. I want to go to my Church. I want to see my family. I want to go to Texas, but I don't want to leave Geneva yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to living in Europe.


I was still stressed about this decision making process. Sometime yesterday I realized that this is actually perfect for me. Extending my job until December gives me time to say goodbye to my friends and the city, to enjoy life here, but yet I am still going to back to Austin soon. As my brother said, "Texas will still be Texas in December."

Now I know that I am on the path that God has opened up for me. This path that required miracles and anguish to find, it is the path for me.