A strange and busy week

Note: This blog was written on the 10th of September as a reflection upon my decision to stay in Geneva until the end of December. I have talked about it with my supervisor here at work - it is basically as I wrote it just after I finally decided.

However, my supervisor posed this questions to me: "What is the purpose of sharing this?" My purpose is only to share the process that I went through. I hope that by sharing this process with you perhaps you can relate to what I experienced. Hopefully we can understand each other a little better on a human level.

Here it is:

I say it was a strange and busy week, but it was really only three days. Four if you include Sunday night.

I'll start with Sunday. I was offered a job on Sunday. I was offered a job as a governess/english teacher/literary assistant for a very wealthy family here in Geneva. The father is a writer, hence the literary assistant part of the job description. I had interviewed the previous Tuesday, and thought it went well. I was definitely interested in the job. I had been planning to leave WSCF at the end of September due to finances and this seemed like a reasonable way for me to stay in Geneva, which was my goal. We planned the final "interview" for Monday so that I could meet the six children, aged 7-10, and see the house where I would be living etc. This all seems very normal - but being offered a job here in Geneva totally freaked me out.

I don't know what it was - but I had a physical reaction when I got off the phone with him. My breathing was very fast and couldn't quite string together more than a few words. (Since I'm such an extrovert this is an accomplishment.) I was not sure why I reacted so physically to the idea of staying here as a nanny, but this reaction made me seriously consider if this job would be good for me or not.

Monday I went to work as usual. Stressing about the idea of meeting the kids that evening. I could not focus and it did not feel like a normal work day in any sense of the word.

That afternoon I met the kids. The kids were probably my favorite part of that afternoon. They seemed very well taken care of. Each one had his/her own bedroom (and bathroom as far as I could tell). The oldest one had just turned ten the day before. She was cute, playing with the Barbie her father had given her. I also did not like the room where I'd be staying or the fact that I would only get one day a week off. This one day was also my vacation time. I could either use my one day every week or accrue them and take off a longer vacation. However, since I attempt to sabbath, I would have to take my one day every week which would mean no vacation time. Ever. No time off for Christmas or time to go back to the States or just a mental health day. No time off. Only work.

I came home that day and went to sleep. I made it back to home about 8pm and fell asleep by 9:15. I was not in a place to think or do anything. I just needed to process and for me processing that night looked like restless sleep.

Tuesday morning I awoke, knowing what I would do. I would go back to Texas. I was convinced that leaving in October was the right decision for me. I would get to see my family. I would get to see my friends. I would be back "home".

Tuesday morning I changed my plane ticket. I told my family I was coming back October 19. I told my friends I was coming back in October. I had already canceled my lease, but I felt secure knowing I would be leaving Geneva for good October 19. Somehow, an exact date makes everything more concrete.

Everything was finalized. To make myself feel even better I went and got a coffee and a pastry. I needed some breathing space. I was certain that I would leave Geneva for good on October 19th.

Of course what is certainty? Later that same day my certitude and finality was shattered.

A person that I work with, who had always promised to try and help me stay in Geneva, came and talked to me. His words had always been encouraging, but I assumed that he had not actually found a way to help me stay. We talked some about a project that we're working on. We talked some about how I am leaving. Then he said, "I have the money for you to stay until the end of December." Just like that. "You can stay here, doing what you're doing, and I'll make sure you have the money for it." Just like that. I was flabbergasted. That morning I had been so convinced and so sure that going back to Austin was FINAL. No way around it. I'm leaving October 19.


It took me a minute to think. To find words to say. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity. I need to decide. I need to decide. Can I tell you on Monday?

I have been praying, almost incessantly now for a few months, for guidance. I have been praying that I would KNOW the right thing to do. Stay here in Geneva doing odd jobs? Go back to Texas? Move to Los Angeles? Move to Chicago? Go to Spain? Move to France? Go to seminary? Be ordained? Who knows - just that I would KNOW what I need to do next in my life. I have been praying and asking God for guidance. I finally felt like I had found that guidance. I felt like God was telling me it's time for me to go back. (This is could be related to the fact that the reason I moved to Austin in the first place is that God told me to - but that is another story for another day). I felt confident that I was following the path God was putting in front of me. Then all of a sudden this other path opened up. This path that I had been praying for, this path that required a miracle was suddenly in front of me. The miracle had occurred, just not in the timing that I would have chosen. I suppose that is why miracles are of God - if we could choose when they happen they wouldn't be miracles.

That afternoon I walked a labyrinth, set up temporarily outside my work. A labyrinth is like a maze, but spiritual. A good friend of mine, who I had called to talk things out with, brought me there to walk this old, ancient path. We walked it together, then sat in the middle and talked. We talked about our futures, our pasts, our lives, why I'm ontologically obsessed with decisions, why I can't figure out what my life is about. We talked and we talked. I realized that I do in fact want to go home. I want to see my friends. I want to go to my Church. I want to see my family. I want to go to Texas, but I don't want to leave Geneva yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to living in Europe.


I was still stressed about this decision making process. Sometime yesterday I realized that this is actually perfect for me. Extending my job until December gives me time to say goodbye to my friends and the city, to enjoy life here, but yet I am still going to back to Austin soon. As my brother said, "Texas will still be Texas in December."

Now I know that I am on the path that God has opened up for me. This path that required miracles and anguish to find, it is the path for me.

Update from Maryann Philbrook

Here is the letter that you might receive in your in-box or in your real mail box in a few weeks!

Dear Loved Ones,

It’s starting to get colder here in Geneva. I’ve pulled out my boots and I can no longer go and sit by the lake in the afternoon sun. However, I am happy that I will get to see the autumn turn to winter here in Geneva. I am going to continue my work with the World Student Christian Federation (WSCF) until the end of December.

I am working on two projects, one with WSCF and one with the World Council of Churches (WCC). First, I am finishing the centennial edition of Student World, our academic journal. This journal will include a collection of articles published from 1908-2008. I have learned about the history of the Ecumenical Movement, WSCF and the world as I have gone through these pages to find the best articles. The task is large, but I am proud of the book that WSCF will publish. Second, I am helping design a website called “Cries of Anguish, Stories of Hope”. We are working with the WCC to create a Lenten study on overcoming violence against women. This site will have videos of people who have overcome violence. We will also have Bible studies, liturgical resources and an interactive blog. These two projects are taking most of my time, but I am staying busy doing fundraising and working on the WSCF website.

My personal, professional and spiritual growth has been more than I expected. When I arrived in Geneva I did not think I could be a “Communications” Intern. Now I am a key part of both of the projects I mentioned above. I have learned, personally, that I can make any situation work. I came to Geneva not knowing how long I would stay here or what exactly I’d be doing, yet I have stayed here for six months and I have three more exciting months to go. Spiritually I have seen my desire to study the Bible and understand the Word of God grow this year. That is why when I return to the U.S. I will apply for seminary. I am looking forward to doing this in Austin, TX at St. James’ Episcopal Church.

I was responsible for raising the majority of the funds for my position and I was not sure how far my funding would stretch. Since my last letter WSCF has reached an agreement with the WCC and they will continue supporting me for the rest of the year. Although this covers my upcoming costs, the money that WSCF spent on me until now has not been covered. I still need support so that my time here will not be a burden on WSCF financially, especially since now is a period of financial challenge for WSCF.

Thank you for all the ways that you support my mission here with the World Student Christian Federation. Please continue to pray for my work and the work of WSCF. Please pray that everything will come together for our website and that we will change the lives of women around the world by sharing the stories of a few. I also still need donations to offset the cost of my internship here. You can give tax-deductible donations to the New York Trustees. Their address is:

Trustees of the WSCF

c/o Rev. Jorge Domingues

475 Riverside Drive, Room 1340

New York, NY 10115

Thank you once again. I appreciate all the ways that you’ve been involved in my work. I will be thinking of you as the winter settles in here in Geneva.

In Grace and Peace,

Maryann Philbrook

P.S. If you would like to receive the publications that WSCF produces, please let me know. I have already sent you a Federation News and a copy of The Red Book. However, we also have the Student World and a new edition of Fed News coming out. If you would like to receive these, please email me or write us here. Don’t forget about my blog: www.maryanningeneva.blogspot.com and email me anytime: aryannphilbrook@gmail.com

I suppose I am procrastinating

I suppose I am procrastinating because my To Do List is just getting longer and my blog is not on it. Yet, here I am writing this blog. I am procrastinating.

Normally I procrastinate when I have work that I do not want to do. However, I am looking forward to the work that I'm doing. (well... sort of). It's like when I was in college and had papers to write. I looked forward to having the papers done. I didn't actually look forward to the process of writing them. I looked forward to printing them out (or emailing them in) and then being done. I knew I would get the paper done (and well if I might be so humble) before the deadline. I only asked for an extension once my entire time in college. I usually made good grades, even if it meant staying up all night (or more likely going to bed early and waking up at an ungodly hour to finish my paper). I am honestly a morning person. Or perhaps I work better when there are deadlines. I need to know that I have to turn something in by midnight on September 15. I will turn it in at 12:59. (or If don't think the email will be checked until 8 am - I might send it in at 7:30 am). I need this pressure. I work under this pressure. I work when there is pressure. When there is no pressure everything is amorphous and I end up procrastinating.

Alright now that I've spent an extra 15 minutes writing this I will go back to my work.

On another note - I am going to Lugano this weekend. For this conference. (sorry it's only in French, German and Italian). I am looking forward to getting a taste of Swiss Politics. I haven't really learned much yet about what is going on here in the political realm. I can't even tell you the Prime Minister or President of Switzerland. (the wikipedia article I linked actually tells me that Switzerland doesn't have a Prime Minister or a President, in the traditional sense of the word). Interesting....

Done procrastinating!

Sleepy Time

It's 1 am on Sunday morning and instead of sleeping, which is what I thought I wanted to do, I am writing in this blog. Sorry this week has been a little slow on posts. Due to fighting a cold and the massive amounts of work that I am piling on myself I have not had time to write anymore.

My work seems overwhelming. I am working on publishing the Centennial Edition of Student World. The work is currently slow and tedious. I know it will turn out well, but right now I just feel very unmotivated. I also think there is more work than I know what to do with - but I hope that will pass.

I am also getting more and more excited about my video project that I'm working on. Luckily, I am staying here in Geneva to finish it. I really hope it goes well. I am currently writing a Bible Study for this project. I've never written a Bible Study. I have led Bible Studies many times, but I have never written one for others to lead. This task is daunting. I am really putting myself out there. I will put my opinion and interpretation on the internet(s) for people that I have never met, and probably never will meet, to use as a model for their discussion around the Bible, this most holy text. Who am I to try and help people understand the Bible? I have no official training. I have only my experiences. I've found that often when I was leading Bible Studies (during my college years oh so long ago) that I what I planned would not be where we would go. Or that the insight that I got from the people I was studying with was so much deeper than anything I could have come up with on my own. It is daunting for me to take this Bible Study and say that I have expertise to tell others how to interpret the Bible. However, since we believe in a priesthood of all believers, perhaps I do have the expertise. Perhaps I should trust that Holy Spirit can work through my imperfect words and my imperfect thoughts.

I am just feeling a little overwhelmed with all the tasks I have to do. Next week will be a busy one.

On a positive note, I will get to go to Romania for the European Regional Conference in October. Very excited about that too!

Being home sick

I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall that I was "home sick." When I typed that phrase I meant to update people about my physical whereabouts. I was at my home here in Geneva and I was sick. I spent the day in bed trying to get better so that I could come to work today. I did not mean that phrase in the metaphorical sense where I am mentally anguished because I am missing my home (Austin, TX). However, this day of being "home sick" did coincide with a friend of mine from Austin visiting Geneva. He came to Geneva on business and since he only had a meeting this afternoon we had dinner last night and we will have dinner again tonight.

I am home sick. I desperately want to go home. I will go home, just not yet. When I go home I will be ready. More than ready. Talking to my friend reminded me of all the good things, and all the not so good things that I have in Austin. It is this combination of great friends, an amazing church, complicated relationships and family that make Austin home. If everything were great it would not be "home." If everything were horrible I would not want to go back to that place. However, knowing that things are complicated but that I have a place there makes me even more anxious and excited to be heading back.

I have not ever experienced this before. I have been moving and leaving one life behind for a new adventure. I never had a plan to go back "home" after an adventure ended. I always thought I would move on to the next adventure - I'd always find the next exciting phase in my life. Now I have a home, I have found a place that I want to return to - this is all a new experience for me.

Yesterday I was home sick.

a quiet weekend full of good friends and good times

I had a rather rough week. It was a week of many decisions and many changes. I have t about it - but I want to have the post edited before I put it out there for the entire world to read. (Usually I just sort of type and go, which leads to typos, but also to a very honest, but also a very temporal picture of my feelings).

So I will post about my long weekend instead. This weekend I did not think about work. I did not do any work. I just relaxed. Thursday was a holiday here in Geneva (the Geneva fast). I also took Friday off. That means that as of today, Sunday, I have had four days to not work. I thought I might go to Lugano (the Italian part of Switzerland). Then I got less ambitious and thought maybe I'd go to Bern (in the German part of Switzerland). Then I got even less ambitious and decided to just stay in Geneva. This meant I spent most of the weekend in bed with my computer watching Doctor Who. (Secretly I am a big science fiction nerd and Doctor who is one of my favorites). I also slept a lot. The earliest I woke up was on Friday when I got out of bed by 9, but that was only temporary, I crawled back under the covers at 10:30.

However, I also went out with friends most nights this week and I realized just how happy I am here in Geneva. I truly love my friends that I've made here. They are all so unique and interesting. We are all foreigners passing a moment of our lives here in Geneva. We have nothing in common except for this fact - yet somehow that is enough for us to form these lasting friendships. I am confident that many of these friends will be friends for life. (The people I met while studying abroad or living in Paris or taking a winter class in South Africa are of the same caliber). It is interesting how having to decide to stay in a place or leave a place makes you grateful for you what you have.

I am very excited about going back to Texas eventually, but I am glad it is not yet. Also, this moment cannot and will not last forever. We are all travelers here - none of us are planning to stay in Geneva forever. To try and take this moment and make it last longer would be foolish and ruin it - but to just enjoy the friends that I've made here is what I am doing. I am trying to live in the moment that I have and not worry about what the future will bring - although that is much easier now that I have a more clear picture of what that future will look like.

A Beautiful Weekend

This weekend I went to Zermatt. Zermatt is a small town in the German part of Switzerland where one gets the best view of the Matterhorn. It's the Toblerone Mountain.

The whole trip was incredible. We left about 8 am and took the train for a little more than three hours. We arrived around 12. Lunch - traditional Swiss Rosti. Then off to the mountain. We took the Cable Car up. It took about 50 minutes to get all the way to the top. We were not actually climbing the Matterhorn, but the smaller Matterhorn. That is where you get the best view of said mountain.

Even as we were approaching it was magnificent. I have never seen that much snow at one time. I thought the glacier was the side of the mountain. Seeing something that big was almost overwhelming - but it was more awe inspiring.

The top of the Mountain was incredible. All around me was a sea of mountains. Every way I looked I saw the peaks, covered in snow. There was nothing but beautiful mountains. The mountains are rugged and unforgiving. They are majestic and awe inspiring. It made me realize just how little and insignificant our short lives are. It made me think about the geological time that these mountains represent. It made me simply look and see the magnificent creation in front of me.

Switzerland is a beautiful country. I am glad that I live here.

Reflections on an unexpected night...

I wrote the first part of this post about 1 am just after the incident I describe below. The rest I finished today.


I spent three amazing days in Edinburgh, and now I am in London.

I got back from Brighton and I was tired. All I really wanted to do was sleep, but then I saw an empty pizza box and I thought... one pizza before bed won't do any harm. So off I went with my friend to the corner store, Chick-a-Chicken. It is down a dark alleyway an then around the corner, a thirty second walk from her house.

We walk into the neon lights with the pleasant smell of marijuana greeting us. There are two other customers: a young girl, maybe 17, and a man in his 30's. She was pretty with her platform shoes taking up the seat next to her. He was not nearly as pretty as her, maybe half his teeth missing. They were engaged in a loud conversation.

Can I get a pizza.
Two pounds.
Cheers.

My friend ordered her chips with vinegar. (that is fries to my American friends). We waited. The discussion was becoming more heated behind us.

You got a big mouth. That mouth gonna get you slapped one day.

Silence.

You heard me? You got a big mouth and someone needs to slap it.

Shut up.

You need to watch your mouth. Someone's gonna kill you.

I felt powerless. I did not know what to do. I just tried to sink into the background and not get involved. I tried to excuse myself of responsibility for the situation I was witnessing. It's normal, after all, to see intoxicated men verbally abusing women. I don't know how many times I've seen a similar scene in Chicago or in bars that I have been to.

My friend, however, would not let herself be powerless. Her first tactic was engaging the girl in conversation. She attempted to talk to her. Begin with simple conversation. That did not work. I stood next to her, but still kept silent. Feeling like it's not my business. The store clerk tried to kick the man out. We tried to engage with the girl to change her focus. Nothing seemed to work.

I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna show you what kind of trouble your mouth gets you into. I bet you are a whore. I'll show you what happens to girls like you.


At this point my friend made a bold move. She turned and faced the man.

That is threatening speech. You do not have the right to talk to this young woman like that. I am going to call the police. You cannot incite violence like this, it's not legal.

She called the police. She stepped outside of the store and gave them the address and the man's description. She was not merely threatening, she carried through on her threats. While she was talking on the phone the man did leave the store. However, he remained on the block. In about three minutes a young, white police officer showed up. He said his colleagues had apprehended the man and were holding him just down the street. He took the name of the girl. He asked her what had happened. He stayed for a few minutes, making sure there was no physical injury.

A few minutes later another gentleman walked into the store.

Thank you for calling the police. When that guy is drunk he just doesn't know what he's doing. You can't ever tell with him. He doesn't have the right to treat you like that. I am glad you called the police on him.

It was refreshing to hear a voice like that - to hear a man say that women have the right to stand up for themselves. We have the right to say no - to say I am better than that. I deserve to be treated with respect and not as your object of sexual obsession. I deserve to be treated as the human being that I am, created in the image of God. If you do not treat me that way I do not have to take it. I can call on the police. Luckily, we were in a country that does respect women's rights.

Yet, I still feel powerless. I would not have had the courage to do what my friend did. I would not have had the guts to actually call the police. I would have sat quietly in the corner until I got my pizza and then I would have left. What would it have taken for me to act? Would she have had to be getting physically attacked? If he had started being violent towards me? Towards someone I knew? What would it have taken for me to act? I like to talk tough, but actually being in a situation of violence (verbal or physical) is completely different. I hope and pray that next time, and there will be a next time, I will have the courage to act as my friend did.

Work and Rest

I just got back on Monday night, then Tuesday morning I came into work. I have not had much time to rest.

I realize that when I post on this blog people actually read it. I know I've mentioned this before. Once again I failed to post and, not surprisingly, my total readership has gone down. Basically, the principle is that if you build it they will come. (I feel like I'm not the first to have said that... ;)

I think this relates to my spiritual life. I keep on expecting God to tell me what I should do next. Should I go back to Texas? Should I stay here in Geneva? Should I go and study Spanish? Should I go somewhere else? Should I go and live at Taize forever? I am expecting the answer to fall into my lap. I am forgetting the key part of a conversation, listening. Talking is an important part of any dialogue, but equally important is listening. Listening to see if God is telling me something that I am perhaps not willing to hear. Listening to see if God is telling me something that I want to hear. Listening to see what God is telling me. Listening. It is a key part that I am forgetting sometimes. I am so busy trying to hear and find out what path God is laying for me that I forget to listen. I forget to just sit and be. Just sit. My blogs are related to this because if I simply posted more than more people would come and read them. If I simply spent more time listening then perhaps I could begin to hear.

As Jesus often says, "Those who have ears to hear, listen."

I suppose I am looking for a balance between work and rest.