Camping

I am going camping tomorrow with some of my friends from Church. I am very excited about it; although I haven't been camping since I was a kid. We are going out of town about an hour and half to a State Park. It will be a chance for me to get out of the city. To really experience nature. I am not a nature person. I mean woods are pretty and all - but I would pick a city any day over the mountains.

I am really going for the fellowship and companionship. I have grown to love my friends from Church in the past few months. We have a small, but tight knit, group of 20/30 somethings. We hang out quite a bit. I really consider them some of my closest friends here. I love the freedom of being able to be open up about my faith as well as all the other aspects of my life. In the past I've found that I have compartmentalize my friends. I have friends from Church that I talk to about the grandiose dreams of God and Faith and Trust and Love but I can't talk to them about the things that I dreamt the night before. Then I have my "secular" friends. I can talk to them about the taste of the Guiness I had last night or how much I like to smoke hookah. Yet, when I mention God, or my calling to the priesthood, their faces look at me differently. I am always looking for the friends that I can be truly open with - the friends that I can tell, over a pint, how blessed I feel - or how I'm struggling with what to do during Lent. I have found some of those friends here in Austin. It is with those friends that I'm going camping this weekend.

It's not a "retreat" per se. We don't have special, holy stuff planned - but I hope/pray that we will have some God moments out there. In a way you could say this was my going away retreat with my friends from Church. This will be a wonderful weekend.

On another note, I did decide what I am going to do for Lent. I am going to read and study the book of Romans. I started last night. I'll read a little bit every day. When I finish I'll start over again. I was struck by a few things last night. I will turn them into some more formal thoughts and eventually I'll post them here.

I won't post again for a few days. If you wonder where I am, just picture me in the woods reading Romans.

One last hiccup in the visa process

I got a call yesterday from the Swiss Consulate. The man on the phone, in a rather thick Swiss French accent, informed me that all my paperwork was in order but there was a small problem with my photos. I had to send two passport type photos along with my application. Apparently, you can't show your teeth in your passport photos. Since my teeth were showing I would have to send in two new photos. You can look here to see what a "good" passport photo looks like. My photos would be the ones with the little red X in the corner.

All that being said - everything else is in order. As soon as they get my photos they will process my visa and send my passport back to me. Of all the things that could go wrong, this is the most minor.

I also got my final flight confirmation today. I also bought my ticket to go to Houston from Edinburg, TX a few days ago!

I will post some pictures of Switzerland once I get there. I haven't put any pictures up yet because I've decided to only post pictures of me once I'm actually in Geneva.

Overcoming Fear

I finally called Wilma today. She is one of the priests at All Saints in Pasadena. That's the church I went to while I was in college. I would say that I gained some key understandings of faith and actions while I was there. I dearly love that church. I had been shy about calling her because, sadly, we had fallen out touch the past few years. I hate calling someone only when you need money or something else from them. I am glad that I called her, though. I left her a message so hopefully she will call me back soon. It is also good to overcome my fear. My fears of being rejected and my fears of being seen as mercenary. It's done.

Last night I received another gift. My very generous brother and sister-in-law gave me a computer! Many of you may know that I did not have a laptop of my own. Now I do! I am very, very thankful to them. This will make my travel and work much easier. I am so grateful and excited about it.

Yesterday while at work I had a very interesting conversation with one of my regulars. We always have very enlightening conversations. Yesterday we were talking about self-image and how we see ourselves. I started sharing some of my doubts about this upcoming trip and my ability to succeed. Some of my doubts about God providing for me. He very cleverly asked me, "When has God ever let you down?" Of course the answer is "Never." It's true, I can't think of a single time when I have ever been "let down" by God. Then my friend went on to list all the things that I've been given during the course of my preparation for this endeavor: an airplane ticket, a computer, $5,000.00, free housing here in Austin so that I can save money, and love and prayers from so many people. Then he asked "What more could you want?" And without thinking, I said "Housing would be nice." That's when my friend told me, "God thinks you're high maintenance." It was in jest, or course. I've been thinking about this, though. God gives me so much and yet I'm still wanting more. Even when I recognize all the things that I've been given I say to myself, "I need $10,000 and then I won't have to worry about anything." or "If I had housing provided I could make it all year in Geneva." I have so many things in my mind that I NEED. I won't have them before I go. God laughs when we make plans.

March 17th.

March 17th. That's my day. Fourteen days after I turn 25 I will leave the United States once again and begin a journey that is still a mystery.

I received an email today saying that the Swiss Government, in all their efficacy, had decided to grant me a visa. Today I went to the post office and sent my visa application, my passport, some photos and some money to Atlanta. In a week or so I should get an envelope back with that same passport. The only difference will be that I will have one less blank page. I will instead have a sticker that gives me the right to travel freely within Europe and to live freely within Switzerland.

Today was a fitting day for me to get this visa. Last night a good friend of mine told me what I needed to hear. Honestly, I'm glad she was so open with me and blunt. Yet is always hard to hear your faults; especially when you already know them but are not yet ready to face them. She told me that I had to stop being lazy. I know (and have known for some time now) that I am extremely lazy. When I tell some people this they look at me as if I speaking Greek. They don't believe me or they don't understand what I mean when I say lazy. Yet my friend, even the first time I told her I was lazy, looked at me and said "Yeah, you're right." When I say I am "lazy." I don't mean that I sit around and do nothing all the time. (although I do watch a lot of TV and movies). I don't mean that I lack motivation or that I don't take advantage of opportunities that come to me. When something comes to me I take advantage of it. I don't go that extra mile, though. Jesus said that when a soldier asks you to carry his gear for one mile you were supposed to carry it for two. (This is really non-violent resistance, but that's for another day and another post.) I would carry the gear for maybe half a mile. Then I'd get tired and put it down and move onto something new. That is my laziness. For the first half mile I'd be the best carrier I could ever be. I'd be carrying it as best as I could. But then my laziness would kick in. I would want to just stop. All of this relates to my life right now because I am at that half mile point. I am the point where I NEED to stop being lazy. I am the point where I can't put down the gear and move onto something new. Instead I need to invest renewed energy into my fundraising. I fail to fully invest because then I'm not really risking anything. I'm not risking being hurt emotionally. I'm not risking failure. I'm also not risking success. I have the illusion of success. Other people see it as success. I know it's not real success. I've only gone half a mile when Jesus is calling me to go for two miles. In order to have real success I need to have real risk. I am beginning to overcome that fear. Part of the reason is that I see what the people at the World Student Christian Federation are doing and I want to be a part of it. I see the differences they are making. The people there in Geneva have decided to trust me to work with them. I want to be able to give myself 100% to this job that I'm doing. I don't want to begin and then fade and eventually be too lazy to really make a difference. I'm not going to be lazy anymore; I'm going to go for two miles.

Unexpected Graces

I have been feeling a little down recently. Not really sure what to do next. If you've been following my posts you can see how I've been feeling a little down.

I'm still a little unsure but on Saturday I got a few big surprises. My money I had raised more than doubled overnight. A woman from St. James, who had promised to donate, sent a letter to my parents explaining that she actually had donated to the NY offices. She donated $500.00. Plus she pledged an extra $500.00 three more times in the year. That is $2,000.00. As much money as I had already raised, plus some. Then my sister-in-law's parents gave me money, plus pledged to send money every month!

The total that I now have, between what I have been given and what has been donated/pledged in my name to the NY office total $5,064.63. I am so in awe! That does not include the price of the plane ticket that is being given to me.

I still have one more Sunday at St. James. Ryan, is going to tell the 10:15 service that he is donating to me. Hopefully, I some more money will come out of that. I am so excited about this mission. I really want St. James to be involved in what I'm doing, I know that the work the WSCF does is the work that they want to be supporting in the world.

I am also going to call All Saints in Pasadena, where I used to go to Church. I have been too shy or nervous or something to call the priests there. Yet, I know that the people there will be supportive of me.

On a more spiritual note, I have been thinking about Lent. Lent is the season in the church where we remember Jesus' 40 days and 40 nights spent in the desert before he began his ministry. This is a serendipitous time for me because Lent happens to be just before I am leaving to begin a new ministry. I am not sure what I am going to do for this season. I will pray about it. I will also fast about it. I am fasting on Wednesday, which is the first day of Lent. If anyone would like to join me in this fast, please feel free. We can pray together. At the end of the day some of my friends from Church and I are going to break the fast together. Perhaps something will come to me during that day. I will update on here as I decide more.

I am off to write Thank-You notes. I have been neglectful in thanking those that have given me money.

Taking Initiative

I have not been taking much initiative. I have been sitting back hoping that people will give me money. It sounds stupid, but I almost didn't email the woman that offered me a plane ticket simply because I was afraid of "bothering" her. I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid of - but I am definitely afraid of something. I emailed her yesterday and she emailed me back almost immediately saying that she was sorry she had not contacted me and that as soon as I knew when I was flying out I should let her know. This should not be surprising since she already offered to get me a plane ticket. Taking that initiative definitely paid off.

I also talked to one of my co-workers today. She has been super supportive of me and my mission. She has taken it upon herself to find me sources of money. I am so grateful to her and her support. I suppose I need to just get over it and start making "the ask." No one can give me money unless I ask them to.

I am going to continue working on my mission.

I also think I'm going to ask for less hours at work for next month. That way I can focus more of my time on getting ready to go Geneva.

I have been in contact with the other Intern. Her name is Charite (we're friends on facebook!) She seems like a really amazing woman and I am excited to work with her during this next year. She and Christine, my future boss, went to the Intern Retreat last week. They have an annual retreat for the international interns in Geneva. They presented the WSCF and what we do. I wish I could have been there. Originally, I was supposed to be there for this retreat - but because of visa issues I am still here in Texas. They said it went really well. I hope that I can integrate into the intern group once I arrive. Christine said there were other interns that had not yet arrived yet. Hopefully as everyone arrives we will be able to become a cohesive group.

I am so excited about the people that I will meet over there. I'm also really excited about the work that I'm going to be doing. It will probably be some of the hardest work I've ever done; but hopefully also some of the most rewarding.

Happy Valentine's Day

There is nothing too interesting going on in my fundraising and my preparations for Geneva. I feel that I have hit a stagnant state of my preparations. I still have things I could be doing (my To Do list is VERY long) but I even so I feel like I have done about as much as I can do. Fr. Jeff (at St. James) had an idea that people who have already given support to me stand up during our service at six o'clock and say that they are supporting. Maybe then other people in the service will do the same. Two of my friends are more than willing to do that for me. Another woman in the church, who gave me money, is not willing to. I completely understand her reasoning - but I wish she could because I think she is influential in the church. But I respect her decision to do that.

I am leaving in just about one month, hopefully. I guess I need to start packing and thinking about all those type of things. I am such a last minute packer that I just assume that I will be in a frenzy the night before I leave and stay up until a few hours before my plane takes off. I now have more things to add to my To Do List.

I suppose I'm also getting nervous about actually going. I somehow feel like I hoodwinked these people into giving me this job. The WSCF is even more amazing and awesome than I thought they were. I recently read their Annual Report from 2007. It sounds like they are doing such great stuff around the world. They want me to help them continue to do it. I am just in awe of the work that the students involved with SCM's are doing. The more I learn about the WSCF the more I am so excited to be a part of their mission. I hope that I can help them to keep on doing the work that they are doing. Part of the reason that I feel inadequate is because that there is always this idea that extraordinary people do these extraordinary things. In reality it is normal people and everyday people that do these extraordinary things. I know I'm not anything extraordinary - but the work that the WSCF does is DEFINITELY extraordinary. I somehow feel that I should be extraordinary too.

All of these emotions are coupled with my emotions of sadness and fear at leaving a place that I've called home for the past 8 months. At the same time I am excited to have a place to come back to. I can still call Austin home, even if I happen to live in Geneva for a little while.

procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate....

I have been putting off writing in my blog for a few days now. I haven't written since the 5th!

A lot has happened since then. The biggest news is that my nephew, Jacob Oliver Philbrook was born on February 5th at 6:46 pm. He is a perfect little boy. I adore him! I am very excited to be an aunt again. I am also very glad that I am close enough right now to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law as they are beginning their parenting adventure. It is a miracle that after nine months a perfect little person comes into the world. I am in awe of how perfect that process is.

In a much less exciting note, but still maintaining the theme of miracles, one of my friends here in Austin gave me a pair of boots on the 5th also. (I actually wore them to the hospital to "try" them). I had just hours earlier been lamenting the fact that I did not have any winter boots nor any money to buy them. Then Eileen, when I told her that I did not have boots, offered me her boots. She only wore them a few times; they are Ugg brand but not typical Ugg style (which means they are cute and warm!). I am so grateful to her. They are going to be perfect for Geneva. I am so glad. I am always amazed at how my prayers seem to be heard and answered. I shouldn't be amazed because this is who God says God's self is - yet I am still amazed because I can't seem to see how it will all work out.

I have been reading the book of Job recently. I finished it last night. However, the main theme I got out of it was that we really don't know anything of God's justice or God's plans for our lives. All we can do is live our lives as think God is calling us to live them and then pray and be grateful. The just are treated injustly an the unjust and treated well. Yet we have no control over that. God treats all people justly and I suppose I will try and have faith in that.

Small update on fundraising - I got another $30.00 from a good friend. I also have pledges from my sister-in-law's parents in England (other sister-in-law not the one that just gave birth) and my sister-in-law's parents in Lousiana (the sister-in-law that is the new mother). I am very excited that so many relatives and loved ones want to support me. I am also meeting, hopefully, with the priest from St. Michael's tomorrow to thank him for his donation. Maybe I will brainstorm with him about other ways of coming up with funding. I also received in the mail 50 copies of the WSCF 2007 Annual report. It details all the things they did in 2007. After reading that I am even more excited about going to work with them. If anyone in the Austin are would like a copy, please let me know the next time you see me.

Update on my fundraising

I am still trying to raise funds. I have confirmed donations of $1314.00. I am still expecting some more from the NY offices of the WSCF. I have also had some people pledge money verbally and I do not know how much they will give me. I am well on my way! To think that one month ago I had only one donation. Wow. I am so grateful to everyone that has already given me money. I am also grateful to all the people that have been praying for me. Please keep praying.

I am also writing a grant proposal with the Ford Foundation. If that goes through... well that would be a miracle!

As promised : more thoughts on that passage in Matthew.

Matthew 6:25-34

That is why I am telling you not to worry about your life and what you are to eat, nor about your body and what you are to wear. Surely life is more than food, and the body more than clothing! ²⁶ Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are? ²⁷ Can any of you, however much you worry, add one single cubit to your span of life? ²⁸ And why worry about clothing? Think of the flowers growing in the fields; they never have to work or spin; ²⁹ yet I assure you that not even Solomon in all his royal robes was clothed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if that is how God clothes the wild flowers growing in the field which are there today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, will he not much more look after you, you who have so little faith? ³¹ So do not worry; do not say, "What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to wear?" ³² It is the gentiles who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all. ³³ Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on God's saving justice, and all these other things will be given you as well. ³⁴ So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'


The words that stand out to me in this passage are "you who have so little faith." Even though we have little faith God will still provide for us. The providence of God is not dependent on the amount of faith we have or the actions that we do in the name of God. If we simply focus on living and loving the world around us then we will have the food, drink and clothing that we need. I am most struck here by the clothing that will be provided for us. In my preparations for Geneva I have been very concerned about my clothing. I have lived all my life in places where "Winter" was a few days in January where you might need a nice coat or sweatshirt. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen snow. Therefore clothing has been on my mind a lot as I am preparing to move to Geneva in the middle of winter. Yet in this passage Jesus is telling us that we do not need to worry about what we will wear. I hear that, but in my mind I start thinking: "yeah, but Jesus lived in the ancient Palestine - did it really get COLD there? What does Jesus know about cold weather? They didn't need clothes like I need clothes (and boots) to protect from freezing temperatures." Those thoughts almost let me rationalize not believing the words that I read in the book of Matthew. However, I have to remember that these words are True. In going to Geneva I am trying to set my heart on the Kingdom and on God's saving justice. Therefore God will provide clothing for me. My thoughts of doubt and rationalization are simply my lack of faith. I am the one that Jesus is talking to when he says, "Will God not much more look after you, you who have so little faith." In my little faith, hopefully I will learn to have more. I still wonder HOW God will provide for me, but I am trying not to wonder IF God will provide for me.

A few things...

A few things to talk about.

1. My car's alternator died on Thursday night. Luckily, I was by a friend's house. It ended up getting towed to the repair shop; on Friday I had the alternator replaced. I suppose it's not unheard of for cars to do things like this - but I never know what to expect with cars. This is my first time having a car of "my own" - even though it's my parents' car. The reason I am telling you all this is that I realized that a lot of my stress about not knowing about my impending departure to Geneva is related to my desire to control everything (and everyone) in my life. I try really hard to hide it but I really like feeling that I have control and knowing what to do. My car breaking down was COMPLETELY out of my control and I sort of freaked out. I realized that I was really upset that I didn't know what to do - how to handle that situation AT ALL. I know nothing about cars. (Somehow the sermon on Sunday was about authority - our own and God's.... how prescient)

2. I just got an email from the office in Geneva. Basically, they said that I would not get my visa for another 3-4 weeks. Which means that I will not actually go over to Switzerland for 6-7 weeks. I need 3 weeks after I get my visa to actually get the visa in my passport. Although I had thought I would be going in early February, I will probably now be leaving in late March /early April. I now feel much more in control of this situation ;)

3. I am still looking for funding for my trip. I feel like I've reached a stand still recently. Often when I don't know what to do I don't do anything. (I think this relates back to number one somehow....) I haven't called people that I need to call or emailed people that I need to email simply because I've been feeling unsure. I have a few days off this week. Hopefully I'll be able to do the things I've been putting off.