Christmas Thoughts

It has been a few days since I sat opening gifts with my family. I always love Midnight Mass. This year I went with my parents to St. James service. I always love listening to the sermons there. The priest is very astute and articulate. His sermon this Christmas Morn was about emptying ourselves or not being full. We have to empty ourselves in order to let God in. I am hoping that I can learn to live this out.

Now that the Christmas time is over I am beginning to think about what comes next. I am beginning to think about the fact that I will be going to Geneva in February. Although I am very excited about this job that I have agreed to take, I am still uncertain as to what exactly I will be doing. However that makes me much less nervous than the fact that I do not know where my funding will come from to make this dream job into a reality. I am still unsure of how I will convince people to believe in me enough. My faith in myself, as my faith in God, as my faith in humanity, waivers. Some days I have so much faith that I am overwhelmed with all the possibility and the certainty of the goodness of these possibilities. Other days I am so unsure of myself, of the ability of God, and of the goodness of other people that I am certain that I must have been insane when I had that faith. Yet at the same time I use that moment when I had clarity as a rock, as a beacon, as a memory to call me back to the faith. I am in that moment now of uncertainty. I am in that moment now where I am overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me. I have to believe that during that moment of brief light I was not delusional. Instead of focusing on the time that I had doubts I must focus on the times when I have faith.


All of this is to say that I am preparing to begin an endeavor that is more difficult than anything I have ever done. I am beginning a new year that is uncertain. I am hoping that this year is full of unexpected surprises.