Do you believe in Miracles?

I often forget that I'm Christian. I am not very good at going to Church and praying seems difficult and pointless. I confess that I often think that I like the people who don't go to Church very often a lot more than the people that are there every Sunday. Sometimes I forget and maybe even sometimes I wish I weren't. Then I have days like the past few days and I am so grateful for what God is doing in my life. Even if I've been forgetting God, God is not forgetting me.

I often forget that I actually believe in miracles. Here's my 'miracle' story. As some of you may know I recently bought a car. Although I was very excited about buying it - I have had nothing but trouble with it. (Titling it; repairs to AC; back seat door handles and the list could go on). However, it was working enough to take me to and from work. Which is all I really need (want) out of a car. Sunday, my car began making funny noises, but was still driving relatively well. Monday night it made a very funny noise and stopped driving so well. I decided to have it towed to my mechanic to see what it would cost for him to fix it. Tuesday afternoon I got a phone call saying that the transmission was broken. I don't know much about cars but he said the repair cost would have a comma in it. Basically it would cost more than I paid for the car. It's Wednesday now and I was in a jam because I need a car to go back and forth to work. Since I begin working before the sun rises taking a bus is not really an option and I know my roommates would get tired very quickly of bringing to/from work. Luckily, Wednesday is my day off.

This morning while I was out watering my garden (which deserves a post of it's own in due time) I prayed. I prayed for a car. I really just needed a car. I can buy a car - I've actually been approved for a loan - but that does not get me a car today. Hopefully, if I think about what I'm doing carefully it will take a few weeks to buy my next car. But I still needed a car to go to work Thursday morning.

My brother took me out for lunch today and he offered to let me use his car for the next few days. He and his wife have a second car, so that seemed like a doable solution. I was very grateful for this offer!

Then I received a text message from a friend asking me to do him a favor. The favor was to keep his car for 3 weeks while he goes to Burning Man. He apparently has no where to park it. I can use it while he's gone. I have a car to use - I will in a few hours at least.

Can you fault prayers like this when you just put out into the universe what you need and it materializes? Although I still have to buy a new car I now have a way of getting around for a few weeks. I have much less pressure and the ability to be picky about what kind of car I buy.

I forget that I believe in miracles or prayer and then days like today happen. Some people would just say it was a coincidence - but I don't really believe in coincidences. I need days like today to remember that I'm not providing for myself - God is. That's what miracles are - little reminders of who is really supporting us.

Thinking about rest/sabbath

I've been feeling very busy recently (hence the lack of posts for a few weeks). I've finally found some time to rest yesterday and today. I have to say it feels good.

This morning I chose to ride the bus to volunteer. I've been trying to do this now for a while, and I really enjoy it when I can make myself get up early enough. When I take the bus I have to leave my house about 30 minutes earlier than when I drive. Riding the bus gives me some time to think and reflect and plan the devotional.

This morning for the devotional I read a poem from Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle by Ted Loder. The poem I read was about being so busy with life that we forget what we need God for and what to say to God and even maybe how to talk to God. It's really moving. You can read the full text here.

I have been struggling with being too busy and not setting aside time for God. I was looking this morning at the Ten Commandments. I found them in Exodus 20:3-17. What I found the most striking is that most of the commandments are few words. Do not kill. Do not covet. etc. They are also almost all negative - DO NOT do this or that. However, the fourth commandment is a responsibility and is also the longest. The fourth commandment says:

Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour ad do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath for Yahweh you God. You shall do no work that day, neither you nor your son nor your daughter nor your servants, men or women, nor your animals nor the alien living with you. For in six days Yahweh made the heavens, earth and sea all that these contain, but on the seventh day he rested; that is why Yahweh has blessed the Sabbath day and made it sacred. (New Jerusalem Translation)

This one commandment is very long and very detailed. God is making sure that we know exactly what God means when God says "remember the Sabbath" I am struck at how easy it is to forget God and get lost in our daily lives - in our routines or lack thereof or our jobs or not having one. It is so easy to forget to ask God or even forget how to talk to God.

I ended the devotional this morning by having a 'neighbor' lead us all in the Lord's Prayer.

I'm hoping that I can also learn and listen and become less busy - even if I am still doing just as much. I need to set aside time for God and prayer.

What is it I want to do with my life?

Since I recently decided that I don't want to be a Barista forever, I now have to face the question "What are you going to do when you grow up?" I feel so far away from being 'grown-up' that I have no idea how to answer that question at all.

I have been putting it off. I suppose with prayer and consideration and openness to possibilities I will find a way forward. Perhaps I will never have that 'career' - but I'm sure I'll be doing something meaningful. I already am.

My volunteer work is what really sustains me right now. I love going out on Tuesday mornings and seeing the women that I volunteer with. Where I volunteer has a Tuesday morning, women only, program. We serve breakfast and talk to them and encourage them and then they end with a support group. It's a good program, and I'm glad I get to be a part of it. Talking with the women there gives me a different perspective. I realize how much I have and how much I take for granted. It also makes me see that we're all the same - whether we're the ones serving or the ones being served. Yet, we have an unequal balance of power. I'm not sure how to change that.

God loves us all. We all need to love each other.

My plans vs. God's plans

A few weeks ago I applied for the position of the World Student Christian Federation European Regional Secretary. I just found out that I did not get that position. However, the application and decision process was still difficult. (The following is a compilation of things written over the time from when I applied to interviewed until today.)

I heard about the position, but I was not sure that I should apply. After some very kind words by some very loving friends I decided that I was qualified and could and should apply. Although, even though I submitted my application I was struggling with whether or not I was ready to take the job, if it were offered to me.

A few weeks ago I even interviewed for the position. I talked, over skype, with five people about what I could offer WSCF- Europe. I talked about my vision of ecumenism and why I could do the job. I did not feel great about the interview, but I did not feel terribly about it.

This morning as I lay in bed thinking about what this means I realized that I was struggling with my 'plans' and how my life is unfolding. I have been planning to go to seminary, but that has always been at some future date. I went to France, I went to Geneva, I went and went, but seminary was this future thing. Then, I finally planned to apply this year. I would have started (hopefully) in fall 2011. Yet, I applied for this new position. If I had been offered it I would have put seminary off for at least a few years. Am I ready to stop 'going' and start Seminary?

I have to go back to the question of when/where I want to go to seminary. I suppose that the fact that they did not offer me the job makes my decision easier, yet, it also is saddening. However, for the moment, I am happy to be staying in Austin. (possibly not, but that is for another post). Austin has many opportunities for me and clearly working for WSCF-E is not in my current or God's current plans for me.

I will leave you with a quote from a Thomas Merton book I just began reading, "Seeds of Contemplation".

In all situations of life the "will of God" comes to us not merely as an external dictate of impersonal law but above all as interior invitation of personal love. Too often the conventional conception of "God's will" as a sphinx-like and arbitrary force bearing down upon us with implacable hostility, leads men to lose faith in a God they cannot find it possible to love... We must learn to realize that the love of God seeks us in every situation, and seeks our good. His inscrutable love seeks our awakening.

hard work

I have a post that I wrote a few months ago that I haven't published yet. I will publish it soon - I am waiting on some news before I put my life and what I've been doing out for God and the whole world to see. Suffice it to say, I'm waiting to see if I'll be offered a job.

I am also applying for other jobs - here in Austin and elsewhere. I am ready to have a career. I think I felt for a moment that my time in Geneva was the beginning of career - and it well may be - but I miss being in a professional setting with people who are passionate about what they do.

I do love my job now, and I'm very passionate about coffee - but I don't think that my job as a Barista is making the world a better place.

A few months ago a young girl (about 10) left us some artwork after she and her dad left the cafe. Apparently she had been impressed with how hard I worked. The drawing showed me and my coworker making coffee and taking money. It was very good for a 10 year old. I still think about what she wrote, though. She wrote "Dear Hard Worker, how hard you work has nothing to do with how much you earn." She went on to leave us a special 'thank you' - in the form of this drawing.

I still think about that. I never have (and hopefully never will) base how hard I work on how much I'm being paid. I do my best and I take pride in what I do. Of course, I like being paid well - but to me doing your best is the only option. When you're getting paid minimum wage or $100/hour. The pay you earn is irrelevant to how hard you work.

I suppose I'm just thinking about all of this because this kind of approach makes it very hard to say what I 'deserve' to be paid. When I'm applying for jobs I am never sure how much to ask for in a salary.

I will update more soon, hopefully very soon, about job offers and my future.

Devotional

Devotional from Tuesday June 29, 2010.

I chose a reading from the book of Job for today's devotional. The book of Job is really difficult sometimes, but I like it because it reminds us that bad things don't happen to us because we deserve them or because we are bad - bad things just happen.

Here goes:
Job 28:20-28 (New Jerusalem Bible)

But where does Wisdom come from?
Where is Intelligence to be found?

She cannot be seen by any living
she is hidden from the birds of the sky.

Perdition and Death say, ‘We have heard only rumours of her.'

God alone understands her path
and knows where she is to be found.

(For he looks to the remotest parts of the earth,
and observes all that lies under heaven.)

When he willed to give weight to the wind
and measured out the waters with a gauge,

when he imposed a law on the rain, and mapped a route for the thunderclaps to follow,

then he saw and evaluated her,
looked her through and through, assessing her.

Then he said to human beings,
Wisdom? - that is fear of the LORD;
Intelligence? - avoidance of evil.'


When we hear this passage we see that Job is trying to answer the questions, "What is Wisdom?" and "What is intelligence?"

What does it mean that God says that Wisdom is fear of the Lord? What does it mean to avoid evil? What do these really mean?

Let's start with what they don't mean. Wisdom and Intelligence in this passage are clearly not related to how most people define them today. No where does this book say that Wisdom or Intelligence is related to how many degrees you have. You don't have to have a college degree from Harvard or even a high school degree. Clearly this Wisdom is not related to how much money you earn or where you went to school. You don't have to go to UT to get this wisdom. This Wisdom and Intelligence are not something that you can buy.

What does it mean that fear of the Lord is Wisdom? Does God mean the fear of terror? I don't think so. Every time in the Bible that God sends a messenger, or a angel the very first thing they say is "Do Not Be Afraid". Clearly God does not want us to be afraid - but we are supposed to have fear of the Lord. I like to think of this fear as awe and respect and submission to God. A fear that is empowering, not paralyzing.

If Intelligence is avoidance of evil does that mean that we should just sit alone and try to act holy? Or maybe we could lock ourselves up and pray all day. I'm sure we would not encounter any evil if we did that. But I think that avoidance could be seen as actually trying to get rid of evil in this world. We can see avoidance of evil as 'doing justice' - as lessening the evil that exists.

If we are wise and intelligence we don't have to earn some fancy degree or know all the right answers or have any house or anything concrete. Instead this kind of Wisdom is a gift that God gives us so that we can learn to follow God and take risks to bring about more justice and less evil in this world. God's Wisdom and God's Intelligence are things that no one can away from us, no matter what happens in our lives. We lose our job our house our bag - no matter what we lose we can always have God's Wisdom.

Last post in June

Tomorrow is July 1st. This year, this month, this time in Austin has flown by! I cannot believe that July is almost upon us. Wow.

Yesterday was a great day. I love my friends here in Austin. In the afternoon, over tea at my house, a friend and I had a conversation about faith and belief and the purpose of religion. The book Conversations with God came up quite a bit. I read it a few years ago. I remember reading it on a train somewhere - but now I could not even tell you what continent that train was on. My friend is currently in the process of reading it. I remembered finding it unfullfilling, but interesting. The conversation with my friend was fascinating because although she was raised Christian, she does not see herself as Christian and does not believe that Jesus was the son of God. She sees everything as connected in the Universe. I agree with that statement to an extent.

Yet, I cannot not believe that Jesus was the son of God. But when I say that I sound as if someone is forcing me to believe or that I am being coerced. Instead I think that my life would be incomplete if I did not believe in Jesus as the Christ and I would no longer have an anchor or a direction in my life. Although my life feels pretty aimless to me sometimes, I know that God is walking with me and that I am on a path that I am creating with God. I am where I need to be; I always have been where I need to be and I will end up where I need to be.

I think that the reason that this book, Conversations with God, is so popular (and it is popular) is that it makes faith in God seem easy. It says we don't have to decide exactly what God is or is not, instead we can just say everything's okay. Everything that God created is good. Saying that all God created is good is much more difficult than saying "it's okay." Faith is not difficult, what is difficult is acting with faith. The life that Faith brings is full and abundant and challenging. When we begin to realize that we are responsible for everything (and I literally mean everything) we can either crumble under this weight or see this responsibility as true freedom. If we embrace this freedom we need the support of a faith community and God. I think that is where 'religion' plays an important role.

A few thoughts on an interesting conversation at the end of June.