What is it I want to do with my life?

Since I recently decided that I don't want to be a Barista forever, I now have to face the question "What are you going to do when you grow up?" I feel so far away from being 'grown-up' that I have no idea how to answer that question at all.

I have been putting it off. I suppose with prayer and consideration and openness to possibilities I will find a way forward. Perhaps I will never have that 'career' - but I'm sure I'll be doing something meaningful. I already am.

My volunteer work is what really sustains me right now. I love going out on Tuesday mornings and seeing the women that I volunteer with. Where I volunteer has a Tuesday morning, women only, program. We serve breakfast and talk to them and encourage them and then they end with a support group. It's a good program, and I'm glad I get to be a part of it. Talking with the women there gives me a different perspective. I realize how much I have and how much I take for granted. It also makes me see that we're all the same - whether we're the ones serving or the ones being served. Yet, we have an unequal balance of power. I'm not sure how to change that.

God loves us all. We all need to love each other.

My plans vs. God's plans

A few weeks ago I applied for the position of the World Student Christian Federation European Regional Secretary. I just found out that I did not get that position. However, the application and decision process was still difficult. (The following is a compilation of things written over the time from when I applied to interviewed until today.)

I heard about the position, but I was not sure that I should apply. After some very kind words by some very loving friends I decided that I was qualified and could and should apply. Although, even though I submitted my application I was struggling with whether or not I was ready to take the job, if it were offered to me.

A few weeks ago I even interviewed for the position. I talked, over skype, with five people about what I could offer WSCF- Europe. I talked about my vision of ecumenism and why I could do the job. I did not feel great about the interview, but I did not feel terribly about it.

This morning as I lay in bed thinking about what this means I realized that I was struggling with my 'plans' and how my life is unfolding. I have been planning to go to seminary, but that has always been at some future date. I went to France, I went to Geneva, I went and went, but seminary was this future thing. Then, I finally planned to apply this year. I would have started (hopefully) in fall 2011. Yet, I applied for this new position. If I had been offered it I would have put seminary off for at least a few years. Am I ready to stop 'going' and start Seminary?

I have to go back to the question of when/where I want to go to seminary. I suppose that the fact that they did not offer me the job makes my decision easier, yet, it also is saddening. However, for the moment, I am happy to be staying in Austin. (possibly not, but that is for another post). Austin has many opportunities for me and clearly working for WSCF-E is not in my current or God's current plans for me.

I will leave you with a quote from a Thomas Merton book I just began reading, "Seeds of Contemplation".

In all situations of life the "will of God" comes to us not merely as an external dictate of impersonal law but above all as interior invitation of personal love. Too often the conventional conception of "God's will" as a sphinx-like and arbitrary force bearing down upon us with implacable hostility, leads men to lose faith in a God they cannot find it possible to love... We must learn to realize that the love of God seeks us in every situation, and seeks our good. His inscrutable love seeks our awakening.

hard work

I have a post that I wrote a few months ago that I haven't published yet. I will publish it soon - I am waiting on some news before I put my life and what I've been doing out for God and the whole world to see. Suffice it to say, I'm waiting to see if I'll be offered a job.

I am also applying for other jobs - here in Austin and elsewhere. I am ready to have a career. I think I felt for a moment that my time in Geneva was the beginning of career - and it well may be - but I miss being in a professional setting with people who are passionate about what they do.

I do love my job now, and I'm very passionate about coffee - but I don't think that my job as a Barista is making the world a better place.

A few months ago a young girl (about 10) left us some artwork after she and her dad left the cafe. Apparently she had been impressed with how hard I worked. The drawing showed me and my coworker making coffee and taking money. It was very good for a 10 year old. I still think about what she wrote, though. She wrote "Dear Hard Worker, how hard you work has nothing to do with how much you earn." She went on to leave us a special 'thank you' - in the form of this drawing.

I still think about that. I never have (and hopefully never will) base how hard I work on how much I'm being paid. I do my best and I take pride in what I do. Of course, I like being paid well - but to me doing your best is the only option. When you're getting paid minimum wage or $100/hour. The pay you earn is irrelevant to how hard you work.

I suppose I'm just thinking about all of this because this kind of approach makes it very hard to say what I 'deserve' to be paid. When I'm applying for jobs I am never sure how much to ask for in a salary.

I will update more soon, hopefully very soon, about job offers and my future.

Devotional

Devotional from Tuesday June 29, 2010.

I chose a reading from the book of Job for today's devotional. The book of Job is really difficult sometimes, but I like it because it reminds us that bad things don't happen to us because we deserve them or because we are bad - bad things just happen.

Here goes:
Job 28:20-28 (New Jerusalem Bible)

But where does Wisdom come from?
Where is Intelligence to be found?

She cannot be seen by any living
she is hidden from the birds of the sky.

Perdition and Death say, ‘We have heard only rumours of her.'

God alone understands her path
and knows where she is to be found.

(For he looks to the remotest parts of the earth,
and observes all that lies under heaven.)

When he willed to give weight to the wind
and measured out the waters with a gauge,

when he imposed a law on the rain, and mapped a route for the thunderclaps to follow,

then he saw and evaluated her,
looked her through and through, assessing her.

Then he said to human beings,
Wisdom? - that is fear of the LORD;
Intelligence? - avoidance of evil.'


When we hear this passage we see that Job is trying to answer the questions, "What is Wisdom?" and "What is intelligence?"

What does it mean that God says that Wisdom is fear of the Lord? What does it mean to avoid evil? What do these really mean?

Let's start with what they don't mean. Wisdom and Intelligence in this passage are clearly not related to how most people define them today. No where does this book say that Wisdom or Intelligence is related to how many degrees you have. You don't have to have a college degree from Harvard or even a high school degree. Clearly this Wisdom is not related to how much money you earn or where you went to school. You don't have to go to UT to get this wisdom. This Wisdom and Intelligence are not something that you can buy.

What does it mean that fear of the Lord is Wisdom? Does God mean the fear of terror? I don't think so. Every time in the Bible that God sends a messenger, or a angel the very first thing they say is "Do Not Be Afraid". Clearly God does not want us to be afraid - but we are supposed to have fear of the Lord. I like to think of this fear as awe and respect and submission to God. A fear that is empowering, not paralyzing.

If Intelligence is avoidance of evil does that mean that we should just sit alone and try to act holy? Or maybe we could lock ourselves up and pray all day. I'm sure we would not encounter any evil if we did that. But I think that avoidance could be seen as actually trying to get rid of evil in this world. We can see avoidance of evil as 'doing justice' - as lessening the evil that exists.

If we are wise and intelligence we don't have to earn some fancy degree or know all the right answers or have any house or anything concrete. Instead this kind of Wisdom is a gift that God gives us so that we can learn to follow God and take risks to bring about more justice and less evil in this world. God's Wisdom and God's Intelligence are things that no one can away from us, no matter what happens in our lives. We lose our job our house our bag - no matter what we lose we can always have God's Wisdom.

Last post in June

Tomorrow is July 1st. This year, this month, this time in Austin has flown by! I cannot believe that July is almost upon us. Wow.

Yesterday was a great day. I love my friends here in Austin. In the afternoon, over tea at my house, a friend and I had a conversation about faith and belief and the purpose of religion. The book Conversations with God came up quite a bit. I read it a few years ago. I remember reading it on a train somewhere - but now I could not even tell you what continent that train was on. My friend is currently in the process of reading it. I remembered finding it unfullfilling, but interesting. The conversation with my friend was fascinating because although she was raised Christian, she does not see herself as Christian and does not believe that Jesus was the son of God. She sees everything as connected in the Universe. I agree with that statement to an extent.

Yet, I cannot not believe that Jesus was the son of God. But when I say that I sound as if someone is forcing me to believe or that I am being coerced. Instead I think that my life would be incomplete if I did not believe in Jesus as the Christ and I would no longer have an anchor or a direction in my life. Although my life feels pretty aimless to me sometimes, I know that God is walking with me and that I am on a path that I am creating with God. I am where I need to be; I always have been where I need to be and I will end up where I need to be.

I think that the reason that this book, Conversations with God, is so popular (and it is popular) is that it makes faith in God seem easy. It says we don't have to decide exactly what God is or is not, instead we can just say everything's okay. Everything that God created is good. Saying that all God created is good is much more difficult than saying "it's okay." Faith is not difficult, what is difficult is acting with faith. The life that Faith brings is full and abundant and challenging. When we begin to realize that we are responsible for everything (and I literally mean everything) we can either crumble under this weight or see this responsibility as true freedom. If we embrace this freedom we need the support of a faith community and God. I think that is where 'religion' plays an important role.

A few thoughts on an interesting conversation at the end of June.

thoughts on Church

I went to Church this morning. I actually tried out a different Church and I went to their Young Adults Sunday School. (I think they call it Wisdom Ways).

The whole thing was very intriguing as we wrestled with Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians. We looked at the passage where he talks about the Lord's Supper. Before Constantine "popularized" Christianity in the 4th century the Lord's Supper was an actual supper. It was a meal that the Christians shared. It became ritualized into the Eucharist as the Church grew during the 3rd and 4th centuries. This letter was probably written in the 1st century. Therefore the letter is talking about how to share a real meal, but it is also talking about how to share the Lord's Supper. Paul is exhorting the young Christians to share and think about others before they consume all the food to satiate their hunger. Greed, which this clearly could be about, was never a topic. Instead we discussed the idea of hospitality. How do we demonstrate radical hospitality? How do think and plan so that we have food to share with people that are hungry?

I also volunteer at this Church, which serves a meal to the homeless six days a week. Talking about eating without class division was something that hit very close to home. Although I serve breakfast once a week there, I NEVER eat breakfast with the ladies I serve. I don't do this because I have the means to provide breakfast for myself, so if I ate their food I would feel guilty. However, this separation is just that, a separation. Am I being generous and giving by not eating with these ladies? Or am I being snobby because I am choosing to eat better quality food on my own time and dime?

Paul says we are to eliminate divisions when we eat the Lord's Supper. Is he talking about all meals shared among Christians? Or is he talking about the Eucharist? What would that look like in our own lives? In our own Churches?

I originally intended to write about one quote from my class this morning, so I'll leave that as a closing thought, although it's unrelated.

"Church was not created for God, but for us."

Sunny California

I'm in Los Angeles. The city of angels. I lived here for five years before moving to Europe. I really do love this city. A lot of people complain or say that it's too big. I see the complaints, but being back here just reminds me of how much I loved living here.

Two of my friends were married yesterday. I am so happy for them. They seemed like the most beautiful, happy, in love couple yesterday. It was amazing seeing them and their family and their friends gathered together to celebrate their love for each other and for God. They are a couple that truly puts their faith first in their lives. I am so glad I was here to witness their union.

Being here in LA makes me realize how lucky I am. I have so much for which to be grateful and thankful. I have real friends who love me and care for me even if they don't live in Austin with me. I have reconnected with people and realized just how strong my bonds are here.

Los Angeles has so much to offer. I have eaten some amazing food in the past four days. Japanese food. Korean Food. Dim Sum. Diner Food. I have seen a play about South Los Angeles. I've walked downtown. I've taken a subway. (Yes, LA does have some public transit). I've driven on the 101, the 110, the 10, the 5 and the 2. I've seen the Los Angeles Lakers become the NBA champions for second straight year. I've watched Mexico beat France in the World Cup. Los Angeles is never boring.